A Comedy of Eras

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My blog last week has been very controversial.  It was so controversial that no one has read it.  I just want to make it clear that I do not think that all white people are racist.  That would be racist to think.

White people are not "racist". It's just that white people HATE it when Black people don't "know their place". Ask any racist and they will let you know how racist that is not.

Everyone has seen the video of the child in SC that was dragged from her desk while in class.  Most people would see the video as a grown man overreacting and manhandling a child.  A child that was female.  (In the U.S. beating women outside of the comforts of ones home is frowned upon.) Some people were rightfully outraged by this.  The child was Black. If you watch the video and have even a passing knowledge of US history, you will know that race probably played a VERY BIG role in that child being dragged across the floor in front of a group of her peers. The officer was white. What would make this white cop go off on this poor Black child who's crime was refusing to leave class? It's pretty simple, she didn't know her place.

White people don't hate black people because of the color of their skin. It just irks the ever-living fuck out of them when a black person or black people are anything other than completely subservient to white people. In questioning this white mans authority this young girl committed the worst crime imaginable in his eyes. Her ignoring the words of a white man was equal to kicking him in the dick. That's why the cop reacted the way he did. This child had just kicked him in the dick. We all know how small white male penises are. (Particularly white police officers)  Ignoring a white officers commands is like calling a black person a nigger and if that officer had called her that then people would know he was racist.  What else could he do? He had drag her on the ground because she had just kicked his very small dick.  She's lucky she still has all of her teeth. (Not confirmed) Assaulting a black child is not an act of racism, only using the N-word is.

You see, white men don't like it when you don't listen to them.  Ask a white woman. No man loves to to be ignored, but for the entire history of the United States you HAD to listen to white men.  If you didn't they would kill you.

Last week I posted this:

 If there is one theme to American Racism it’s:

1.  Black people complain about white racism
2. White people rationalize white racism.
3. White racism continues.

This is the pattern I see every time. It's happened to this case. There is an outcry of white people who will justify what the officer did. It's the same cycle. They don't see racism because racism does not exist.

White people in America are the decision makers. They decide what is and what isn't racist and they have decided to hold black people responsible for any perceived racism. Just look at the recent tweet from Rupert Murdoch or read any post on the national review.

Slavery was the fault of the Africans. Jim Crow was the fault of the freed slaves. Race relations today are what they are because black people.

This country sucks.

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Back in Blackface

This is Halloween, this is Halloween...

It’s blackface season again.  It’s that time of year where we get to hate-share images of clueless white people donning black face paint for a stupid Halloween costume that was a bad idea without the makeup.  Every Halloween we are guaranteed the annual spread of clueless white people being clueless followed by a fake-ass apology.  I used to get outraged about it, but at this point in my life I have given up hope that clueless white people will stop doing stupid racist shit. 

Clueless white people will never stop doing blackface, because they don’t understand why it is racist.  Hell, even some of the people spreading images of these clueless assholes don’t understand why blackface is racist.  There is the LONG history of minstrel shows of the 19^th century.  Those existed to dehumanize blackness in the new era of black freedom.  White people no longer owned black people as property and rather than except black people into society as equals we got segregation and subjugation.  Blackface was a purposeful part of that.  Make black people a joke and you never have to take them seriously. 

This history alone should be enough for white people to never do blackface again, but with clueless white people being clueless white people, it is not.  If there is one theme to American Racism it’s:

1.  Black people complain about white racism
2. White people rationalize white racism.
3. White racism continues.

So shockingly we still have blackface.

The clueless Halloween white people see nothing wrong in grabbing some face paint or shoe polish to play dress up as a famous black person.  The joke here being, “Hey look at me! I’m black!” The clueless white people who we see in these images don’t see anything wrong with blackface today because how else can they play a black person? 

Black people are only the color of of their skin. When this young woman thinks of Nicki Minaj she doesn’t think of one of the most unique success stories in pop music.  She only sees black skin and a big ass. When this clueless white man, who is a teacher, thinks of Kanye West it's black skin and some glasses from a video that's ten fucking years old.  I mean goddamn. Kanye wears some tacky shit, but this guys outfit is nothing like anything Kanye would wear. ( A backwards cap? Fuck this guy for his laziness alone.) To clueless ass white people famous black artists are characters; characters worthy of imitation and mockery. The joke IS the color of their skin.  The black skin and the big ass are the only things they see that distinguish Nicki Minaj as anything other than nothing. 

These clueless assholes get to be "black" for a night and wash it away.  And if they are really lucky they get to go viral and apologize because they didn't think they did anything wrong. We will mock them and hate them.  Then some idiots will defend them.  Then we wait to do this again next year.

Happy Halloween.

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Baedolf Hitler

This may get me into some trouble...

My twitter feed is currently full of people making jokes about “Baby Hitler”.  NYT Magazine asked its readers if they could go back in time and kill Baby Hitler would they?

This has been a common question forever and I have long noticed people who say if they have access to a time machine they would go back and kill Hitler. It's rarely end slavery or save Martin or Malcolm. It’s almost always kill Hitler. It's because he's the most identifiable evil white person ever, right?  “Let's get that motherfucker off the books!” Nobody's hypothetically going back to kill Genghis Khan. Hitler is the biggest villain of this era and no one else is even close. Bin Laden is jealous of Hitler’s PR team.

I sort of appreciate Hitler. Not in the I agree with anything he said or did (I do not, to be clear), but in the what he says about white people sort of appreciation. Hitler is still our human embodiment of evil.  He's our go to every time we want to call someone awful or evil. Hitler is also white. Super fucking white. You can't shake how white he is. Honestly, a part of me is really happy that the world’s biggest villain is a white man. You just can’t ignore his awfulness, racism, or his whiteness. (Though many people do! Racism be crazy) He can’t be whitewashed away easily.  When I think about it more and more though I do think Hitler has endured in infamy in part because of that whiteness. White people get to have the world’s biggest bad guy. We are a culture that loves villains. I don’t put it past racism to elevate the evil white person’s stature over an evil minority.  (I am not complaining about that!) It’s the smaller vilification of minorities that is more troubling.  Hitler is such a big bad white villain other white offenses are easier to overlook in white eyes.  (Jim Crow and Japanese Internment)

I think the Baby Hitler hypothetical comes up so often because if someone did go back and kill Hitler, and you’re a white person, your world doesn’t really change much.  White people get to enjoy him both ways. They can hate him and live in the world in which he was defeated.  And they can know the fact that if he had won, they would still be on top. 

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We did it!

June 1st, 2012 is the day I achieved what few people thought would be possible.

I successfully traveled through time.

Actually, maybe August 5th, 2015 is a more accurate date for my accomplishment.  I'm still getting use to the fickleness of what we call time.  Or, rather what you call time.  Maybe, I am uncertain and this is still new to me.  If you have been a long time reader of this blog you know that it was originally called, WEEKLY RANT. (Weakly Rant may have been more accurate)  This blog was just that, weekly.  As I am sure you are fully aware the last update came April 5th, 2012.  Four weeks before my unprecedented jump in time.  To those who have waiting these agonizing 173 weeks, I apologize. I did not know how far my jump would take me.  I did not know it would increase the size of my penis to pornstarical proportions.  I did not know that I could only go forwards and not backwards, but here we are. You, the reader of a poorly written blog on a mostly defunct Google platform and me.  Me, a man lost in time.  I mean what the fuck happened in three years?!

1. Apparently, racism is back? I mean didn't Obama end that?  How the fuck did he get elected again and still not end racism?

2.  I don't work at the Alley anymore?! How they hell did I pull that off?

3. Hannah Montana did what?! No, really what did she do?

4.  Was Drake a thing in 2012? Meek Mill really needs to come back swinging.

5.  I'm ready to write again.  It's only been a month for me, but its been three long years for you. Just know I am back, for better or worst.  I have three years of pop culture and politics to catch up so each week I will tackle something I missed in better hopes I can make you understand it better. (I understand everything already) So lets see how long this lasts.

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Next Week:  Why I plan to vote for Donald Trump...

My First Free Ticket to the Alley

This is the x-rated uncensored version of a piece I wrote for my jobs newsletter:

My first experience at the Alley Theatre was in the lovely winter of 2004. I was just a simple college student taking Intro to Theatre for what I think was the third time (I’m bad with introductions). As part of this Intro to Theatre class I was required to attend a production of any play at any theatre. Knowing that my friend Lauren Gayden worked at the Alley, I used all the dirt I had accumulated on her and demanded she give me a ticket to the current production, A Christmas Carol. 

I arrived at the theatre early, eager, and ready to enjoy the show. I entered the theatre confused, bewildered, and alone. Using all of my keen Webalo skills, I followed a group of people who were dressed in attire that put mine to shame (a VERY normal occurrence for me). I followed these well dressed shepherds and proceeded to what I now know was the will call line.  I was greeted by a lovely woman who politely told me that, “The Alley Theatre is across the street sir, please leave. And no, I don’t have any change for you.” After making the long journey across Smith Street, I had finally arrived.  The Tony Award winning Alley Theatre.  One big piece of fucking concrete.

When I arrived at the Alley I was greeted by friendly faces. I asked for my ticket at will call and I was given a small piece of paper that said 'Walk-In'. I was immediately filled with anger. “Lauren has done it again! I wanted a ticket! I’ll show that bitch!” It was at this time someone from the box office assured me that I would be able to attend the performance and I had nothing to be worried about. (fuckng liar) Undaunted, I marched on upstairs, small piece of paper in hand, uncertain of what the Alley had in store for me. Would these assholes laugh at me and my tiny slip of paper? Would they see me for the fraud that I truly was? Would the end of LOST live up to that amazing pilot? Voice-cracking  I asked the usher, ”Where do I go with this?” and I was lead upstairs and made to wait in a corner.

It was a dark time in that corner. Minutes felt like hours. Time seemed to stop. I saw seas of families with their happy children eager to attend this play they called A Christmas Carol. “What are they planning to do to me?” , I wondered. Then I heard bells. The bells you hear when time has run out. The play was about to begin and I was still exiled in my corner scared and alone. I panicked and ran to the nearest usher pleading to be allowed to enter the theatre. “Not just yet, sir. Soon.” How could this bitch be so calm? What the fuck was she plotting? Was she planning my demise? Could I kill her and get away with it? Before I could calculate my plan I was taken into the theatre. Section 5, Row Q, Seat 8. I still remember.

And so the play started. It didn't suck and I probably had a smile on my face bigger than the many children I stood judging mere minutes before. I didn’t know at the time that this was the beginning of my life at the Alley and if i did I would have told myself to get the fuck out of there.

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Random Rambling....

This is the new sound, just like the old sound…

This indifference is killing me inside

Here is a secret for long time readers of my blog (HAHAHAHA) that I am certain none of you knew. I am lazy. In the 10 years (wow that's depressing) I have written The Weekly Rant I have never been truely committed to it. Long breaks between posts and half-assed topics became the norm until it quietly died for good in the summer of 2010. I never really knew what The Weekly Rant was about. It’s hard to write about new topics every week when the only things you give a shit about are sports and video games. Every attempt to make my blog about those things never was worth reading. Who the fuck cares what I think about sports and video games? Who the fuck cares about what I think about anything for that matter? These are the thoughts that ended The Weekly Rant. I never stopped writing my ideas, but I did stop posting them. So, to try and climb out of my current pit of lazyiness I am going to refocus what my blog is. I have no idea where I want to go, so consider this new blog very much a work in progress. Hopefully I can find my voice and not let laziness or my general indifference win out.

“I’m not racist I voted for Obama!”

Racism and Politics. It seems like you can’t bring up one without hearing the other nowadays. Last month in her Houston Chronicle Blog, Texas Sparkle, Kathleen McKinley discussed what she felt was a new low for “The Left”. I only read Ms. McKinley occasionally, but I do know that she likes to answer commenters who disagree with her. (A practice I don’t always agree with. Sometimes let your work speak for itself. Some topics demand discussion from the author, but most times you are just feeding into trolls and sycophants) In her A New Low for The Left piece she had this exchange with a commenter:

payattention wrote - “’The message of the Republicans has always been to raise yourself up and believe in yourself.’
No, for most of the history of the Republican Party, the message had been ‘If you are not white, do what you can but stay away in your own place.’ More recently, the message has been ‘it does not matter that we held you down for so long, raise yourself up from where we kept you with no help.’ Those are not distortions of history, those are the facts. Also factual is that if not for Democrats, the schools of this nation would still not be integrated. None of what adds up to near equality in standing came from Republicans.

‘Always been’.. what a joke.”

Kathleen McKinley wrote - *note: There is nothing in your comment that is true. I respond only because I hope that maybe you can open your mind just a bit and read what history says about Republicans. It was Republicans that fought AGAINST slavery. It was Democrats who fought for it. It was Democrats who stood in the schoolway door resisting integration. It was Republicans that fought for civil rights. It was Democrats who fought against it. It was Republicans who founded historical black colleges and the NAACP. It was Democrats who started the KKK. Read my link below and LEARN history. You can have your own opinions, but you can't change the facts of history-TexasSparkle

http://blogs.chron.com/texassparkle/2009/07/black_history_my_history_and_a.html

This exchange made me upset. Racism should not be in the Democrats Vs. Republicans talking point war that has been dividing our country. I hate when people try to say one party is racist while another party is not. You know who I blame for the past racism in the America? White people. You know who I blame for the founding of the KKK? White people. You know who resisted integration? Whites AND Blacks (Still mostly white people...). We need to stop trying to make everything partisan and remember what the real cause of racism was. White people had power and many believed they were better than other races for the simple fact that they were white. I’m not saying EVERY white person was racist at the time, but you are a fool if you think racism was based on being a Democrat or Republican. I’m sure the “Democrat” KKK yelled about spreading the wealth to the black men they hung from trees.

If you are Democrat or a Republican today and you are not racist you have nothing to apologize for. If you are a white person and you are not racist you have nothing to apologize for. So please don’t make America’s history of racism about anything other than race. You belittle the people who suffered through it and lost their lives for something as insignificant as the color of their skin. When will we grow up about race?

Stop me before I blitz again!

I have been a fan of Gregg Easterbrook for years and as a tribute to him I am completely ripping of the structure he uses for Tuesday Morning Quarterback in this blog post. Will it stick?

“History is a myth that men agree to believe” - Napoleon

Instead of serious debate between our elected officials, we get talking points and one-upmanship. ‘Pundits’ have correctly labels this “Gotcha Politics”. How does Republican Jim feel about any issue? Doesn’t matter, He must say the exact opposite of Democrat Cindy on every issue. It’s the same bullshit on both sides. Republican Jim is for orange juice. Democrat Cindy says, “Fuck Orange Juice and DOUBLE FUCK Republican Jim! He’s getting kickbacks from Florida and he might be a closeted homosexual!” Republican Jim then calls Democrat Cindy a “Lying Baby Killer!” (Because of all the abortions she had last week) and the nation never blinks. It’s the same bullshit every day. This current [insert current political issue] has shown me a lot about our government and I have reached a shocking conclusion. Our form of democracy doesn’t work. When people are given the option, they will make the incorrect choice eight times out of ten. It’s science. Democracy doesn’t work because people are fucking stupid.

Over 230 years ago our founding fathers attempted to make a government that was fair to everyone (except slaves), gave the people flexibility to change laws if needed (except women), and created a leader who was not a king and shared power with two other branches of government (that one almost lasted 100 years, Lincoln). It was a great idea, but just like communism it only really works in theory. What our founding father’s failed to realize is that people at their core are nothing more than horny sheep. And while this was less of an issue in the 18th century; technology has ruined us by making Americans fatter even dumber yet hornier sheep. (Proof? I saw a man drinking rubbing alcohol while having sex with a package of used needles this morning. He WAS smart enough to wear a condom. So there’s that.)

I’m sick of living in a country where the people who don’t even have a basic understanding of how our government works has as much or even more say than I do. I know what you’re thinking, “Love it or leave it. Why are you still here if you hate it so much?” Because fuck you. I pretend to be smart enough to live in this country. I love this country, that’s why it pains me to see how fucking stupid it has become. (I'm sure all the defunding of public schools will only help make our nation smarter.) Instead of researching and making informative opinions themselves, people tune to Glenn Beck, Keith Olberman*, Bill O’Reilly and the other talking airbags for news. Worst, some people don’t have opinions at all. They spend their time talking shit about other people they feel better than in their bullshit blogs that they rarely update. Scum.

*note: This was written before his cancellation.

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Marketing Idea!

If I were the marketing manager of Hobby Lobby I would do a huge sale called The Hobbycaust.

Then I would get fired.