IMDB Thinks all black people look alike

Tiger Woods has been in the news a lot recently.  So much in fact that I saw a link to his IMDB page on the front page of IMDB itself.  Known for his years of TV and movie work I wanted to take a look at Tiger's acting credits.  To my surprise I discovers America's darkest secret.  Chris Tucker is Tiger Woods.

The End of Western Civilization

This week we hit rock bottom...

I'm sure none of you have heard this but Tiger Woods was recently in a single-car accident outside of his Florida home. If you live under a rock or decided you would spend this past weekend caring about things that actually mattered you totally missed the biggest story of the year. This has bumped my horrific head-on collision out of the number 1 spot for most important car accident of 2009. I'm really fucking pissed. Where was my overexposure? Why did TMZ take all those pictures of me naked and not post them? I have scars on my face maybe Tiger's wife hit me? Where's my special episode of Larry King? Is my friend Ricky really a photographer for TMZ? WHAT THE FUCK?

Sadly not everything can be about me and The Tiger Wood's incident has taught me life lessons I never wanted to learn. The one thing I learned that I would like to share with you dear reader is, Western Civilization is done. We have 10-15 years tops before everyone knows it. I'm calling it now. Listen up America, WE SUCK. We are getting stupider and less smart every day. We let shit like Tiger Wood's hitting a tree and a firehydrant control our lives for days on end. We don't care about things that truly matter anymore. Not in a clever sarcastic asshole sort of way, but in a "TIGER WOOD'S HAD A CAR ACCIDENT LETS SPECULATE FOR 5 FUCKING DAYS AND READ TMZ FOR NEWS!" sort of way. Who gives a shit that Obama was working to send an additional 30,000 troops into one of the two wars we are currently fighting. (If you don't know which war I would like to take you out for a drink and yell at you for an hour or so) Is this TMZ's fault? (Yes) Is it the fault of the E! channel? Nope, its cable news' fucking fault. Like always.

I rarely include statics and when I do they are usually made up. 100% of all idiots get all of their news from cable news. It's true, I saw that stat on one of the cable news networks. Turn on any cable news station and your either going to get a super opinionated idiot saying he loves or hates the president or you'll get 6 hours of a boy floating in a balloon. Only the boy isn't in the balloon so you get a month of the fallout from the boy not being in the balloon. When you report things immediately without letting a story develop you leave yourself open to a big news story becoming nothing more than a hoax. Or the worst possible conclusion a real story being missed. This is the cable news world and the world of TMZ. American's are getting fatter, lazier and less informed. The news channels aren't producing news. As an overweight, very lazy American I am super worried. I'm gonna go watch the Soup and plan my move to Canada.

In other news...

I am beginning a new blog with my friend Ricky Ruiz. Once a month we will go to different bars and chronicle our adventures. I'll post a link here once the first issue is posted. If it gets half the readership of this blog that will give it two readers! Don't worry it won't be as halfassed as this issue of the rant. I mean I went on at least 3 tangents and didn't really get into anything worthwhile this week. I need to stop watching cable news...

Picture of the Week

Face to Facebook

Sorry for no updates.  I had hand surgery and I've been recovering the last two weeks. 

Okay I signed up for Facebook again.  Now everyone can stop asking me why am I not on Facebook.  I already sold out and got a twitter so this isn't that big of a step down from my high horse.  Be ready for me to be on Facebook as much as I am on Cheggit.   With that out of the way let's talk about the things I have been building up for the past 3 weeks.  I am so sorry I neglected you blog, but I needed some me time.  Now that I am sick of myself I want to rant on 4 topics:

1)  Fox News is the most brilliantly run network on television.  There are websites created for the sole purpose of talking shit about it. There is another cable news station devoted to only talking about Fox News. It's easy to see why it is the number one cable "news" network.  Way back after 9/11 Fox rightly (not a pun)  put all of its eggs in the George W. Bush basket.  It became THE network for the GOP.  With conservatism and patriotism at an all time high Fox News was the network of the people.  Bill O'Reilly started beating Larry King in the ratings and that Italian judge who was briefly on The People Court was on TV a lot for some reason.  Even after patriotism died and everyone started to hate W. Fox stood behind him.  When the Bush backlash led to the election of Barack Obama Fox News made the choice to become the official voice of the people.  Fuck Obama became the new slogan.   Liberals would have you believe that Fox has an agenda to in-doctrine the people agaianst Obama, but I see through this.  Fox News really doesn't give a shit about being conservative.  Its all about ratings.   Fox is number one because mostly liberals watch it to scoff and guffaw.  "Oh my Glenn Beck called Obama a racist! I'm gonna have to watch and see what bullshit he says tomorrow!"  It's brilliant.  Yes, there are people who drink the Fox Kool-Aid.  By being so for one side of the aisle they can get both sides to watch it.  The more insane the commentators at Fox get the more liberals will watch.  It's the same reason I watch Heroes, I want to see how stupid it will get. Fox News will continue to get crazier and we will all continue to watch. This isn't news its fucking TV!  You want news go read a newspaper.  Kudos, Rupert. 

2) I love TV.  I love watching a great TV show more than watching a good movie (this topic will be covered in a later blog).    It's the end of the decade and so a lot of "Best Of" lists are on the way.  So here's my list: The best TV Drama of the decade is The Wire (and best ever ever) and the best comedy is The Soup.  Yup, The Soup is the funniest show made this decade.  People have been calling this the Golden Age of television due to fantastic shows like The Wire, The Sopranos, The Shield, Lost, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Big Love, and  Deadwood to name a few.  After watching one episode of the Soup you will see this is the furthest thing from the truth.  Yes, there are some amazing TV shows right now, but there are 20 times as much crap.  For every Lost there are twenty reality shows in prime time.  From anything on E! that isn't The Soup to VH1.  Television is only about ratings and shock value.   This decade is has given us a grown woman taking a shit on the stairs and not being embarrassed.  Some things should be left in John Waters films.   Thank you Joel Mchale and the staff of The Soup for producing the funniest 30 minutes on TV every week and my choice for the funniest show of the decade. (Sorry Arrested Development...)

3)  Microsoft got away with murder.  I love video games. I would rather play a great video game than watch a good TV show.  Last gaming generation (We are currently in the 7th gaming generation, Wii, Xbox 360 and Playstation 3.  Last generation was Playstation 3, Xbox, Gamecube and Dreamcast)  I blogged about how much I hated my Xbox.  The thing died on me after only a year and a half of me owning it.  It was a piece of shit.  This generation I  bought an Xbox 360 only this time in died in less than a year.  This generation Microsoft got away with the biggest crime I think you can ever commit in the gaming industry.  They released a new console that was not ready for the market a mere 4 years after the Original Xbox came out.  The Xbox 360 was a turd when first released.  Everyone I know who had an early model had to send it in for repairs.  There wasn't just one issue, there were multiple.  Three Red Lights was like saying Voldomort's name aloud.  In a rush to beat the competition to the market for this generation Microsoft fucked over everyone who took the risk and bought an Xbox 360 when it came out.  The unwritten rule that had been established was that each video game generation would last 5 years.  The release of the Xbox 360 started a new gaming generation while developers were still developing games for  the then current generation.  The move made sense for Microsoft because the Original Xbox had already lost its generation with no hope of winning.  (Playstation 2, the most popular console of all time had won.  It still outsells some of the new consoles.  Shit, I bought two.)  So they released the 360 thus killing the selling potential of the Original Xbox and making its two competitors upcoming games look dated.  Everyone knows its the end of the cycle when the really good games come out.  Developers have had 4-5 years working on games for the system.  The 360 was a shitty console with pretty graphics and not many quality games and it was a must own because it was out first.  They fucking got away with it and they may do it again.  This generation Microsoft and Sony said the development cycle would be 10 years.  Double the old days.  As consoles get more sophisticated it makes since to let them generate money for a longer time.  They spend a lot of money to develop them.  This generation started November 22, 2004.  We are about to start the 5th year of this generation and there have been rumors of a new Xbox.  Please don't do this again Microsoft, give me 4 more years.   While it started rough the 360 is now a great console with hardware quality to back it up.  Xbox live is still the best and you charge me for that.  Please no new console for a while.  I'm fucking broke!

In other news....

I had another surgery on my left hand.  I really wish I had never been in that car accident.  The less I can use my left hand the more I think about things I won't be able to do with it.  I'll never swing a bat properly again.  I'll never play golf.  I'll never be able to give myself the stranger.  I'll never get to pretend I can play the guitar right-handed.   It sucks.  The only thing that I have that can comfort me is that I am still fucking amazing at Tekken.  Instead of thinking about the bad shit I need to enjoy the things I enjoy more. (I enjoyed writing that)  I needed a pep talk. Go Joe!  With that said here's Picture of the Week...

Picture of the Week

Next week:  TV PART TONIGHT!! TV PARTY TONIGHT!!!

Sorry, this week is a rerun....

There won't be a new rant this week. I got alot going on and if I force myself to write something just for the blog it will be shittier than the last 3 issues have been (I mean they were really bad) I'll post a double issue sometime next week.

To fill your need of my crappy writing here is the very first issue of the rant ever written:

Orginally posted 2/14/2002


What I am going talk about is September 11th, 2001. On September 11th something happened that America didn’t see coming… Emmanuelle Lewis star of TV’s Webster died of a heart attack at the tender age of 35. To his friends Lewis was known as a “prankster”, a little man with a big heart. A heart so big it almost exploded, then he died.

Mannie, as his friends call him, didn’t let fame go to his large, misshapen head. Mannie went through life as loving every minute, not mad that he was a little man who couldn’t get laid even if he paid a five-dollar whore. No, Mannie took every card he was dealt and played them till he lost all his money. Sure no one remembers his television show and no body gave a damn about him when it was out, but let us remember that little man. He lives on in all our hearts. I am sure many of you have seen his Denny’s commercial; he was a man who was always willing to make fun of himself. I mean there was so much to make fun of: the dwarfism, the television show, and the homosexuality. We are not going to judge him, sure he was called the “masked rider” in the large, underground gay orgies of Hollywood. Every time I hear the name “Emmanuelle Lewis”, I smile and remember the good times and the bad . I think some famous person who I can’t seem to remember said it best “Life sucks then you die” Yup, you die.

~Shabadu

Emmanuel Lewis
3/9/1971 - 9/11/2001*






*not really dead

The most important time in history is now, the present

This week I spend a lot of time on an issue I don’t really care about…..

I can’t believe it’s over. The Simpsons began in 1989; I was a small boy at the tender age of six about to seven. I can honestly say no show has affected my life more than the Simpsons. I know 100 million people will say the very same thing. I don’t think back when I was six about to seven that anyone knew what the Simpsons would become. From the middle of its third season to the episode before the god awful Kid Rock episode, The Simpsons was the funniest thing to ever be on television. This is not debatable. I’m not going to say the show sucks now or that they should have ended 5 years ago. I never want it to end, it’s The Simpsons! It’s been on for almost my entire life! Seeing the show end would be like losing a sibling. I haven’t watched any new episodes regularly in 3 seasons, but I still buy the classics on DVD and I’ll watch the random rerun of the day. (When the hell is Nick at Nite going to pay the big bucks to get The Simpsons? Do they not see how awesome that would be? Is Fox holding onto it for dear life or is it just too expensive? I can’t do another all-nighter of George Lopez. Get on it Nick!) I do think the quality of the show has dropped with each passing season. It’s hard to be fresh when you have been on for 20 years. The Simpsons has been on so long people my age are writing for it now. So now the biggest thing influences the humor on The Simpsons IS The Simpsons. Good comedy does this not make. While it is still one of the funniest shows on TV, The Simpsons episodes feel they are spoofing themselves. With the emergence of Family Guy’s reference a minute with no real jokes humor you can see the Simpsons trying to play catch up. Just because I remember Glow-Worms does not make it funny to show one on TV for 30 seconds. (I am not a fan of Family Guy, but that’s another MUCH, MUCH longer more belligerent rant. I think South Park really summed up my problems with Family Guy)

I’m trying to say goodbye to The Simpsons. This is my goodbye. I am one of the people who believe that the Grimey episode was the exact moment the show lost its innocence. I don’t think this started the quality decline, but it definitely became a meaner show after that. Bart was always a bad kid, but he always did the right thing in the end. Homer was always an idiot, but at least no body died, well until Grimey. (SPOILERS) This week it was announced that Marge Simpson will be in the November Issue of Playboy supposedly nude. I would just like to say thank you for officially ending my childhood.

I have watched this show since I was fucking six years old! Marge Simpson is like a second mother to me. I have spent the last 20 years getting to know this character and trust me Marge Simpson would never pose for Playboy. That doesn’t matter. There is money to be made and now people are talking about The Simpsons like when Ghost Dad came out. It’s good press. Hell it’s even going to help Playboy sell one magazine so someone can put the pictures on the Internet for the rest of us. I don’t want to sound like Old Man Bitter, but I’m really old and bitter about this! After I buy this issue the magic will be gone. I won’t see Marge the same ever again. When I look at her doing Marge things in an episode I’m only going to picture her naked and touch myself. This is different than all the poorly drawn incest filled images you can easily find on Google. This shits for real. Fuck you, Fox. You’ve killed my childhood yet again. I didn’t think it was possible after Freaky Links. Kudos.

In other news….

Have we gotten so desperate to sell print media that Playboy has to resort to printing cartoon characters? Back when I was a columnist for a major newspaper I predicted the death of print media. I never thought print pornography would suffer. I mean men will still need things to read in the bathroom? How much real damage has the iphone done? If Hugh Hefner is desperate then I fear for all our futures.

Picture of the Week



Next Week: I'll write something good for change

Man Gotta Live What He Know...

The one's called Stella was a diver and she was always down...

I do not like to recommend music to my friends. It never ends well. My dislike of recommending music doesn't stop me from doing it. It's like my alcoholism or my gambling habit. I know its a horrible idea, but there is no way I can stop myself. I'm like Jesse Jackson next to a dead civil rights leader. I know I shouldn't, but if I could only get some of his blood on me then people would respect me! (Too soon?) Recommending music to friends will only destroy the fragile foundations of your friendship. I don't mean to talk shit, but I have great taste in music. I can honestly say I enjoy all the music I love. I won't name drop or tell you how I'm great and what you listen to sucks. I don't need to make a long list of artists that your ignorant ears have never heard of or how you can't hear how awesome said artists are.

I just don't like that inevitable moment when the person I give a recommendation to doesn't appreciate it the same why I do. It's unavoidable; music is a very personal thing to me. There is no way you can ever experience what I experience when I hear an album I enjoy. I was discussing music with a friend recently and it just so happened we liked different albums from the same artist. I took it upon myself to give the hard sale on the album I liked. The friend took note and listened to the album out of respect for me. When I saw the friend a week later to my surprise they did not like it. I wasn't hurt, but I was disappointed. I ignored why I loved the album so much when recommending it, I bought it when I was 16.

I had a large CD book that was stolen from my car over a year ago. It had every CD I had ever purchased or received as a gift. This CD book told my life's story. That's what every album represented to me. A moment in time. That moment when an album was new. There are few things I enjoy more than finding an album falling in love with it. Listening to it and finding a new great song everyday. The constant sounds of the album filling my head when I'm doing the most normal activities. The pressing repeat on my favorite song of the moment. The thought that I will never remove this album from the rotation. You just can't force anyone else to have this feeling. So I'm going to try and hold my tongue and not recommend anything for a while. If someone so happens to hear a song I play and enjoy it. So be it, but I'm never recommending Lou Bega again....

In Other News..

I want to give a special shout out to one of the five people I know that reads my blog. Happy Birthday to my good friend Roy Soffes. I just want to say thank you for being a friend. In our Golden Girls role-playing society you will always be the best Rose ever. It seems like yesterday you were telling me about a story in St. Olaf. We laughed. We Cried. Blanche had sex with some random old dude. Good Times.

Picture of the Week

Next Week: I'm taking the week off so there will be a guest writer next week.

I still get rocks off...

This week I have H1N1 so only read this with gloves on…

Back in 2008 it was announced that Rage Against the Machine would be playing Lollapalooza in Chicago in August 2008. I knew I had to go. They had broken up years ago and only God would know if they would ever do another show again. So without a second thought I bought a ticket to the show with no idea how I would get there or where I would sleep when I got there. Thanks to a friend I was able to get 2 round trip standby tickets and after getting a second job (at my normal job, which was complicated) I was able to pull it off. I got to see Rage and I got to pussy out of standing in the pit the entire show. I do not regret getting the fuck out of the pit because I enjoyed the hell out of seeing the band and not having to deal with a bunch of angry white people hitting each other because that’s what white people do for fun. Sorry, white people. So because I took the risk and went to Chicago to see Rage I have this great experience I will cherish for 3-4 years. The adventures I had my week in Chicago could fill a book jacket, but that’s not why I mentioned Lolla 08. In the wake of the horrible thing that happened to me a couple of months ago (you know…crabs) I have been rethinking my life and how I do things. I did have something life changing happen to me, but I did not see any light or angels or hear God. I only saw my face covered in my own blood and I only heard my own horrible screams for help. The only major life change I would like tight now is an increase in income, but Ray Bolger is still keeping me down. Minor changes would include writing a lot more. I know the three of you who read this are really clamoring for me to write more.
So I have decided that I will go to the South by Southwest Film festival next March. I have been in Austin many times during SXSW, but never have I gone to the movie festival. I promise to write the same kind of life changing reviews I wrote for the chick flicks only this time they will be more awesomerer than a seal eating a lion. Fuck yes.


In other news…


I am completely losing my mind. No, this not my excuse for not writing anything last week. I am sure my loyal fans assumed I was in prison or dead. The jokes on you because I am very much alive and very much in prison. You see I watched an entire episode of Tyler Perry’s House of Pain and that only leaves me with the conclusion that I have lost any sanity I had left after Chernobyl. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is the most offensive thing I have ever seen on television. As a black man I want shows with predominately black casts to succeed, especially when it paints them in a realistic light. Everybody Hates Chris was a good show with a large black cast. It was set in the 80’s and none of the family’s problems were race specific. If you have ever been poor you could relate to some of the issues and if you were ever a child you could relate to other issues. This summer Everybody Hate Chris was cancelled. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is still on the air. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is not funny, but you can’t tell it that. The canned laughs never stop in the background of the series. The show focuses on a fat black man who has all of his family living in his house while he berates them and looks like a jackass. It’s Carl Winslow and Carrot Top rolled into an obnoxious firefighter. The show would have you believe that this guy is the funniest character in the history of television. In the episode I was forced to watch he locks his son out of the house for being later after curfew. This is nothing new, but the show treats it as if this man was the CRAZIEST FATHER IN THE WORLD. Oh man he locked his son out he is carazy! The son even looks at the camera with a classic “Ah, Shucks Dad!” While the “audience” laughs with fevered delight. This makes the epic adventures of Steve Urkle look like a Eugene O’Neill masterpiece. I think I’ll just stick with Family Matters reruns. Wait…


Picture of the Week





Next week I make fun of Mexicans.