Marketing Idea!

If I were the marketing manager of Hobby Lobby I would do a huge sale called The Hobbycaust.

Then I would get fired.

I know you heard this blog was sick....

Its February so that means first blog of 2010!

I do not like Lady Gaga. On multiple occasions I have been told that she is very talented. I will not debate this, my problems are not with her music. (Please, do not take this as an endorsement of her "rumored" talent.) I don't like her because of the current theme of her music. Her most recent album is titled, The Fame Monster. With The Fame Monster, she has now entered the vaunted club of artist who complain about their fame. According to the internet tha album expresses the darker side of fame usuing a monster as a metaphor. This past Sunday I accidentally watched 15 minutes of the Grammy's. In a grab for my demographic the first presenter of the night was Stephen Colbert. This was more than enough for me to watch at least his presentation. Before I knew it I was no longer watching Stephen make jokes towards his teenage daughter. I was now in the Land of Gaga. I was taken to a world where fame was killing a drag-queen attemping to dance with professional dancers while singing technopop. I had seen her previous performance at the last random music award show no one gives a crap about. I can still hear the breaking of bottles in my dreams. Below is her Grammy performance. WARNING: The Fame Monster may touch you.




Now this performance is about something. Its about how the fame is destroying her inside. I would say this to Ms. Gaga. If you don't like being famous don't do shit like this:




In my opinion Lady Gaga's style is very "LOOK AT ME, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" I can relate. I am pretty fucking awesome and everyone should pay attention to me at all times. I have seen videos of Stefani Germanotta before the Lady Gaga days. When I look at videos of Stefani then a video of Gaga I can clearly see why she made the change. No one gave a shit about Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. Didn't sell records. Doesn't make you famous. Understandably she tried something else and it took off. Lady Gaga the persona is very in your face and begs you to pay attention. She breaks bottles while playing the piano and people are talking about it the next day. It's a popular video to forward to coworkers and friends. Many artists have complained about being famous and it ruining their lives. Some of my favorites artists have also devoted entire albums to it. Please Stefani if you're going to bitch about the fame, please stop demanding it in your act.

In other news...

ESPN recently announced that it will produce the first ever all 3-D HD network. This network will offer 1080p 3-D programming 24 hours a day. With major live sporting events broadcast in 3-D. This is the first huge step in the growing trend of 3D. Movie studios have pushed 3-D movies on the masses for the last 2 years. From crap like My Bloody Valintine 3-D to amazing films like Up to that one with Hannah Montana. With Avatar making tons of money it seems the people want to experience films about blue people come to life. If 3-D is to become the home standard it's going to make us look very fucking stupid in our homes. Sony is actively planning to make TV's and video games 1080p 3-D HD. I'm all for amazing graphics, but is the 3-D expereince so much better than the HD I get now? I'm really going to have to wear a special pair of glasses just to look at fucking TV? I love TV, but even I think this is a bit much. I purchased an HDTV almost 2 years ago and I am currently shopping for a bigger and better one. Do I need this better TV? God no. Will I ask myself more questions? No. I play video games and I need to keep up with the best technology so I spend the pennies I make on big TV's and crystal meth. If you ever read that I have purchased a 3-D TV and I wear special glasses to look at TV. Fucking shoot me.

Picture of the Week

Next Week: Next Month!

IMDB Thinks all black people look alike

Tiger Woods has been in the news a lot recently.  So much in fact that I saw a link to his IMDB page on the front page of IMDB itself.  Known for his years of TV and movie work I wanted to take a look at Tiger's acting credits.  To my surprise I discovers America's darkest secret.  Chris Tucker is Tiger Woods.

The End of Western Civilization

This week we hit rock bottom...

I'm sure none of you have heard this but Tiger Woods was recently in a single-car accident outside of his Florida home. If you live under a rock or decided you would spend this past weekend caring about things that actually mattered you totally missed the biggest story of the year. This has bumped my horrific head-on collision out of the number 1 spot for most important car accident of 2009. I'm really fucking pissed. Where was my overexposure? Why did TMZ take all those pictures of me naked and not post them? I have scars on my face maybe Tiger's wife hit me? Where's my special episode of Larry King? Is my friend Ricky really a photographer for TMZ? WHAT THE FUCK?

Sadly not everything can be about me and The Tiger Wood's incident has taught me life lessons I never wanted to learn. The one thing I learned that I would like to share with you dear reader is, Western Civilization is done. We have 10-15 years tops before everyone knows it. I'm calling it now. Listen up America, WE SUCK. We are getting stupider and less smart every day. We let shit like Tiger Wood's hitting a tree and a firehydrant control our lives for days on end. We don't care about things that truly matter anymore. Not in a clever sarcastic asshole sort of way, but in a "TIGER WOOD'S HAD A CAR ACCIDENT LETS SPECULATE FOR 5 FUCKING DAYS AND READ TMZ FOR NEWS!" sort of way. Who gives a shit that Obama was working to send an additional 30,000 troops into one of the two wars we are currently fighting. (If you don't know which war I would like to take you out for a drink and yell at you for an hour or so) Is this TMZ's fault? (Yes) Is it the fault of the E! channel? Nope, its cable news' fucking fault. Like always.

I rarely include statics and when I do they are usually made up. 100% of all idiots get all of their news from cable news. It's true, I saw that stat on one of the cable news networks. Turn on any cable news station and your either going to get a super opinionated idiot saying he loves or hates the president or you'll get 6 hours of a boy floating in a balloon. Only the boy isn't in the balloon so you get a month of the fallout from the boy not being in the balloon. When you report things immediately without letting a story develop you leave yourself open to a big news story becoming nothing more than a hoax. Or the worst possible conclusion a real story being missed. This is the cable news world and the world of TMZ. American's are getting fatter, lazier and less informed. The news channels aren't producing news. As an overweight, very lazy American I am super worried. I'm gonna go watch the Soup and plan my move to Canada.

In other news...

I am beginning a new blog with my friend Ricky Ruiz. Once a month we will go to different bars and chronicle our adventures. I'll post a link here once the first issue is posted. If it gets half the readership of this blog that will give it two readers! Don't worry it won't be as halfassed as this issue of the rant. I mean I went on at least 3 tangents and didn't really get into anything worthwhile this week. I need to stop watching cable news...

Picture of the Week

Face to Facebook

Sorry for no updates.  I had hand surgery and I've been recovering the last two weeks. 

Okay I signed up for Facebook again.  Now everyone can stop asking me why am I not on Facebook.  I already sold out and got a twitter so this isn't that big of a step down from my high horse.  Be ready for me to be on Facebook as much as I am on Cheggit.   With that out of the way let's talk about the things I have been building up for the past 3 weeks.  I am so sorry I neglected you blog, but I needed some me time.  Now that I am sick of myself I want to rant on 4 topics:

1)  Fox News is the most brilliantly run network on television.  There are websites created for the sole purpose of talking shit about it. There is another cable news station devoted to only talking about Fox News. It's easy to see why it is the number one cable "news" network.  Way back after 9/11 Fox rightly (not a pun)  put all of its eggs in the George W. Bush basket.  It became THE network for the GOP.  With conservatism and patriotism at an all time high Fox News was the network of the people.  Bill O'Reilly started beating Larry King in the ratings and that Italian judge who was briefly on The People Court was on TV a lot for some reason.  Even after patriotism died and everyone started to hate W. Fox stood behind him.  When the Bush backlash led to the election of Barack Obama Fox News made the choice to become the official voice of the people.  Fuck Obama became the new slogan.   Liberals would have you believe that Fox has an agenda to in-doctrine the people agaianst Obama, but I see through this.  Fox News really doesn't give a shit about being conservative.  Its all about ratings.   Fox is number one because mostly liberals watch it to scoff and guffaw.  "Oh my Glenn Beck called Obama a racist! I'm gonna have to watch and see what bullshit he says tomorrow!"  It's brilliant.  Yes, there are people who drink the Fox Kool-Aid.  By being so for one side of the aisle they can get both sides to watch it.  The more insane the commentators at Fox get the more liberals will watch.  It's the same reason I watch Heroes, I want to see how stupid it will get. Fox News will continue to get crazier and we will all continue to watch. This isn't news its fucking TV!  You want news go read a newspaper.  Kudos, Rupert. 

2) I love TV.  I love watching a great TV show more than watching a good movie (this topic will be covered in a later blog).    It's the end of the decade and so a lot of "Best Of" lists are on the way.  So here's my list: The best TV Drama of the decade is The Wire (and best ever ever) and the best comedy is The Soup.  Yup, The Soup is the funniest show made this decade.  People have been calling this the Golden Age of television due to fantastic shows like The Wire, The Sopranos, The Shield, Lost, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Big Love, and  Deadwood to name a few.  After watching one episode of the Soup you will see this is the furthest thing from the truth.  Yes, there are some amazing TV shows right now, but there are 20 times as much crap.  For every Lost there are twenty reality shows in prime time.  From anything on E! that isn't The Soup to VH1.  Television is only about ratings and shock value.   This decade is has given us a grown woman taking a shit on the stairs and not being embarrassed.  Some things should be left in John Waters films.   Thank you Joel Mchale and the staff of The Soup for producing the funniest 30 minutes on TV every week and my choice for the funniest show of the decade. (Sorry Arrested Development...)

3)  Microsoft got away with murder.  I love video games. I would rather play a great video game than watch a good TV show.  Last gaming generation (We are currently in the 7th gaming generation, Wii, Xbox 360 and Playstation 3.  Last generation was Playstation 3, Xbox, Gamecube and Dreamcast)  I blogged about how much I hated my Xbox.  The thing died on me after only a year and a half of me owning it.  It was a piece of shit.  This generation I  bought an Xbox 360 only this time in died in less than a year.  This generation Microsoft got away with the biggest crime I think you can ever commit in the gaming industry.  They released a new console that was not ready for the market a mere 4 years after the Original Xbox came out.  The Xbox 360 was a turd when first released.  Everyone I know who had an early model had to send it in for repairs.  There wasn't just one issue, there were multiple.  Three Red Lights was like saying Voldomort's name aloud.  In a rush to beat the competition to the market for this generation Microsoft fucked over everyone who took the risk and bought an Xbox 360 when it came out.  The unwritten rule that had been established was that each video game generation would last 5 years.  The release of the Xbox 360 started a new gaming generation while developers were still developing games for  the then current generation.  The move made sense for Microsoft because the Original Xbox had already lost its generation with no hope of winning.  (Playstation 2, the most popular console of all time had won.  It still outsells some of the new consoles.  Shit, I bought two.)  So they released the 360 thus killing the selling potential of the Original Xbox and making its two competitors upcoming games look dated.  Everyone knows its the end of the cycle when the really good games come out.  Developers have had 4-5 years working on games for the system.  The 360 was a shitty console with pretty graphics and not many quality games and it was a must own because it was out first.  They fucking got away with it and they may do it again.  This generation Microsoft and Sony said the development cycle would be 10 years.  Double the old days.  As consoles get more sophisticated it makes since to let them generate money for a longer time.  They spend a lot of money to develop them.  This generation started November 22, 2004.  We are about to start the 5th year of this generation and there have been rumors of a new Xbox.  Please don't do this again Microsoft, give me 4 more years.   While it started rough the 360 is now a great console with hardware quality to back it up.  Xbox live is still the best and you charge me for that.  Please no new console for a while.  I'm fucking broke!

In other news....

I had another surgery on my left hand.  I really wish I had never been in that car accident.  The less I can use my left hand the more I think about things I won't be able to do with it.  I'll never swing a bat properly again.  I'll never play golf.  I'll never be able to give myself the stranger.  I'll never get to pretend I can play the guitar right-handed.   It sucks.  The only thing that I have that can comfort me is that I am still fucking amazing at Tekken.  Instead of thinking about the bad shit I need to enjoy the things I enjoy more. (I enjoyed writing that)  I needed a pep talk. Go Joe!  With that said here's Picture of the Week...

Picture of the Week

Next week:  TV PART TONIGHT!! TV PARTY TONIGHT!!!

Sorry, this week is a rerun....

There won't be a new rant this week. I got alot going on and if I force myself to write something just for the blog it will be shittier than the last 3 issues have been (I mean they were really bad) I'll post a double issue sometime next week.

To fill your need of my crappy writing here is the very first issue of the rant ever written:

Orginally posted 2/14/2002


What I am going talk about is September 11th, 2001. On September 11th something happened that America didn’t see coming… Emmanuelle Lewis star of TV’s Webster died of a heart attack at the tender age of 35. To his friends Lewis was known as a “prankster”, a little man with a big heart. A heart so big it almost exploded, then he died.

Mannie, as his friends call him, didn’t let fame go to his large, misshapen head. Mannie went through life as loving every minute, not mad that he was a little man who couldn’t get laid even if he paid a five-dollar whore. No, Mannie took every card he was dealt and played them till he lost all his money. Sure no one remembers his television show and no body gave a damn about him when it was out, but let us remember that little man. He lives on in all our hearts. I am sure many of you have seen his Denny’s commercial; he was a man who was always willing to make fun of himself. I mean there was so much to make fun of: the dwarfism, the television show, and the homosexuality. We are not going to judge him, sure he was called the “masked rider” in the large, underground gay orgies of Hollywood. Every time I hear the name “Emmanuelle Lewis”, I smile and remember the good times and the bad . I think some famous person who I can’t seem to remember said it best “Life sucks then you die” Yup, you die.

~Shabadu

Emmanuel Lewis
3/9/1971 - 9/11/2001*






*not really dead

The most important time in history is now, the present

This week I spend a lot of time on an issue I don’t really care about…..

I can’t believe it’s over. The Simpsons began in 1989; I was a small boy at the tender age of six about to seven. I can honestly say no show has affected my life more than the Simpsons. I know 100 million people will say the very same thing. I don’t think back when I was six about to seven that anyone knew what the Simpsons would become. From the middle of its third season to the episode before the god awful Kid Rock episode, The Simpsons was the funniest thing to ever be on television. This is not debatable. I’m not going to say the show sucks now or that they should have ended 5 years ago. I never want it to end, it’s The Simpsons! It’s been on for almost my entire life! Seeing the show end would be like losing a sibling. I haven’t watched any new episodes regularly in 3 seasons, but I still buy the classics on DVD and I’ll watch the random rerun of the day. (When the hell is Nick at Nite going to pay the big bucks to get The Simpsons? Do they not see how awesome that would be? Is Fox holding onto it for dear life or is it just too expensive? I can’t do another all-nighter of George Lopez. Get on it Nick!) I do think the quality of the show has dropped with each passing season. It’s hard to be fresh when you have been on for 20 years. The Simpsons has been on so long people my age are writing for it now. So now the biggest thing influences the humor on The Simpsons IS The Simpsons. Good comedy does this not make. While it is still one of the funniest shows on TV, The Simpsons episodes feel they are spoofing themselves. With the emergence of Family Guy’s reference a minute with no real jokes humor you can see the Simpsons trying to play catch up. Just because I remember Glow-Worms does not make it funny to show one on TV for 30 seconds. (I am not a fan of Family Guy, but that’s another MUCH, MUCH longer more belligerent rant. I think South Park really summed up my problems with Family Guy)

I’m trying to say goodbye to The Simpsons. This is my goodbye. I am one of the people who believe that the Grimey episode was the exact moment the show lost its innocence. I don’t think this started the quality decline, but it definitely became a meaner show after that. Bart was always a bad kid, but he always did the right thing in the end. Homer was always an idiot, but at least no body died, well until Grimey. (SPOILERS) This week it was announced that Marge Simpson will be in the November Issue of Playboy supposedly nude. I would just like to say thank you for officially ending my childhood.

I have watched this show since I was fucking six years old! Marge Simpson is like a second mother to me. I have spent the last 20 years getting to know this character and trust me Marge Simpson would never pose for Playboy. That doesn’t matter. There is money to be made and now people are talking about The Simpsons like when Ghost Dad came out. It’s good press. Hell it’s even going to help Playboy sell one magazine so someone can put the pictures on the Internet for the rest of us. I don’t want to sound like Old Man Bitter, but I’m really old and bitter about this! After I buy this issue the magic will be gone. I won’t see Marge the same ever again. When I look at her doing Marge things in an episode I’m only going to picture her naked and touch myself. This is different than all the poorly drawn incest filled images you can easily find on Google. This shits for real. Fuck you, Fox. You’ve killed my childhood yet again. I didn’t think it was possible after Freaky Links. Kudos.

In other news….

Have we gotten so desperate to sell print media that Playboy has to resort to printing cartoon characters? Back when I was a columnist for a major newspaper I predicted the death of print media. I never thought print pornography would suffer. I mean men will still need things to read in the bathroom? How much real damage has the iphone done? If Hugh Hefner is desperate then I fear for all our futures.

Picture of the Week



Next Week: I'll write something good for change