We did it!

June 1st, 2012 is the day I achieved what few people thought would be possible.

I successfully traveled through time.

Actually, maybe August 5th, 2015 is a more accurate date for my accomplishment.  I'm still getting use to the fickleness of what we call time.  Or, rather what you call time.  Maybe, I am uncertain and this is still new to me.  If you have been a long time reader of this blog you know that it was originally called, WEEKLY RANT. (Weakly Rant may have been more accurate)  This blog was just that, weekly.  As I am sure you are fully aware the last update came April 5th, 2012.  Four weeks before my unprecedented jump in time.  To those who have waiting these agonizing 173 weeks, I apologize. I did not know how far my jump would take me.  I did not know it would increase the size of my penis to pornstarical proportions.  I did not know that I could only go forwards and not backwards, but here we are. You, the reader of a poorly written blog on a mostly defunct Google platform and me.  Me, a man lost in time.  I mean what the fuck happened in three years?!

1. Apparently, racism is back? I mean didn't Obama end that?  How the fuck did he get elected again and still not end racism?

2.  I don't work at the Alley anymore?! How they hell did I pull that off?

3. Hannah Montana did what?! No, really what did she do?

4.  Was Drake a thing in 2012? Meek Mill really needs to come back swinging.

5.  I'm ready to write again.  It's only been a month for me, but its been three long years for you. Just know I am back, for better or worst.  I have three years of pop culture and politics to catch up so each week I will tackle something I missed in better hopes I can make you understand it better. (I understand everything already) So lets see how long this lasts.

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Next Week:  Why I plan to vote for Donald Trump...

My First Free Ticket to the Alley

This is the x-rated uncensored version of a piece I wrote for my jobs newsletter:

My first experience at the Alley Theatre was in the lovely winter of 2004. I was just a simple college student taking Intro to Theatre for what I think was the third time (I’m bad with introductions). As part of this Intro to Theatre class I was required to attend a production of any play at any theatre. Knowing that my friend Lauren Gayden worked at the Alley, I used all the dirt I had accumulated on her and demanded she give me a ticket to the current production, A Christmas Carol. 

I arrived at the theatre early, eager, and ready to enjoy the show. I entered the theatre confused, bewildered, and alone. Using all of my keen Webalo skills, I followed a group of people who were dressed in attire that put mine to shame (a VERY normal occurrence for me). I followed these well dressed shepherds and proceeded to what I now know was the will call line.  I was greeted by a lovely woman who politely told me that, “The Alley Theatre is across the street sir, please leave. And no, I don’t have any change for you.” After making the long journey across Smith Street, I had finally arrived.  The Tony Award winning Alley Theatre.  One big piece of fucking concrete.

When I arrived at the Alley I was greeted by friendly faces. I asked for my ticket at will call and I was given a small piece of paper that said 'Walk-In'. I was immediately filled with anger. “Lauren has done it again! I wanted a ticket! I’ll show that bitch!” It was at this time someone from the box office assured me that I would be able to attend the performance and I had nothing to be worried about. (fuckng liar) Undaunted, I marched on upstairs, small piece of paper in hand, uncertain of what the Alley had in store for me. Would these assholes laugh at me and my tiny slip of paper? Would they see me for the fraud that I truly was? Would the end of LOST live up to that amazing pilot? Voice-cracking  I asked the usher, ”Where do I go with this?” and I was lead upstairs and made to wait in a corner.

It was a dark time in that corner. Minutes felt like hours. Time seemed to stop. I saw seas of families with their happy children eager to attend this play they called A Christmas Carol. “What are they planning to do to me?” , I wondered. Then I heard bells. The bells you hear when time has run out. The play was about to begin and I was still exiled in my corner scared and alone. I panicked and ran to the nearest usher pleading to be allowed to enter the theatre. “Not just yet, sir. Soon.” How could this bitch be so calm? What the fuck was she plotting? Was she planning my demise? Could I kill her and get away with it? Before I could calculate my plan I was taken into the theatre. Section 5, Row Q, Seat 8. I still remember.

And so the play started. It didn't suck and I probably had a smile on my face bigger than the many children I stood judging mere minutes before. I didn’t know at the time that this was the beginning of my life at the Alley and if i did I would have told myself to get the fuck out of there.

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Random Rambling....

This is the new sound, just like the old sound…

This indifference is killing me inside

Here is a secret for long time readers of my blog (HAHAHAHA) that I am certain none of you knew. I am lazy. In the 10 years (wow that's depressing) I have written The Weekly Rant I have never been truely committed to it. Long breaks between posts and half-assed topics became the norm until it quietly died for good in the summer of 2010. I never really knew what The Weekly Rant was about. It’s hard to write about new topics every week when the only things you give a shit about are sports and video games. Every attempt to make my blog about those things never was worth reading. Who the fuck cares what I think about sports and video games? Who the fuck cares about what I think about anything for that matter? These are the thoughts that ended The Weekly Rant. I never stopped writing my ideas, but I did stop posting them. So, to try and climb out of my current pit of lazyiness I am going to refocus what my blog is. I have no idea where I want to go, so consider this new blog very much a work in progress. Hopefully I can find my voice and not let laziness or my general indifference win out.

“I’m not racist I voted for Obama!”

Racism and Politics. It seems like you can’t bring up one without hearing the other nowadays. Last month in her Houston Chronicle Blog, Texas Sparkle, Kathleen McKinley discussed what she felt was a new low for “The Left”. I only read Ms. McKinley occasionally, but I do know that she likes to answer commenters who disagree with her. (A practice I don’t always agree with. Sometimes let your work speak for itself. Some topics demand discussion from the author, but most times you are just feeding into trolls and sycophants) In her A New Low for The Left piece she had this exchange with a commenter:

payattention wrote - “’The message of the Republicans has always been to raise yourself up and believe in yourself.’
No, for most of the history of the Republican Party, the message had been ‘If you are not white, do what you can but stay away in your own place.’ More recently, the message has been ‘it does not matter that we held you down for so long, raise yourself up from where we kept you with no help.’ Those are not distortions of history, those are the facts. Also factual is that if not for Democrats, the schools of this nation would still not be integrated. None of what adds up to near equality in standing came from Republicans.

‘Always been’.. what a joke.”

Kathleen McKinley wrote - *note: There is nothing in your comment that is true. I respond only because I hope that maybe you can open your mind just a bit and read what history says about Republicans. It was Republicans that fought AGAINST slavery. It was Democrats who fought for it. It was Democrats who stood in the schoolway door resisting integration. It was Republicans that fought for civil rights. It was Democrats who fought against it. It was Republicans who founded historical black colleges and the NAACP. It was Democrats who started the KKK. Read my link below and LEARN history. You can have your own opinions, but you can't change the facts of history-TexasSparkle

http://blogs.chron.com/texassparkle/2009/07/black_history_my_history_and_a.html

This exchange made me upset. Racism should not be in the Democrats Vs. Republicans talking point war that has been dividing our country. I hate when people try to say one party is racist while another party is not. You know who I blame for the past racism in the America? White people. You know who I blame for the founding of the KKK? White people. You know who resisted integration? Whites AND Blacks (Still mostly white people...). We need to stop trying to make everything partisan and remember what the real cause of racism was. White people had power and many believed they were better than other races for the simple fact that they were white. I’m not saying EVERY white person was racist at the time, but you are a fool if you think racism was based on being a Democrat or Republican. I’m sure the “Democrat” KKK yelled about spreading the wealth to the black men they hung from trees.

If you are Democrat or a Republican today and you are not racist you have nothing to apologize for. If you are a white person and you are not racist you have nothing to apologize for. So please don’t make America’s history of racism about anything other than race. You belittle the people who suffered through it and lost their lives for something as insignificant as the color of their skin. When will we grow up about race?

Stop me before I blitz again!

I have been a fan of Gregg Easterbrook for years and as a tribute to him I am completely ripping of the structure he uses for Tuesday Morning Quarterback in this blog post. Will it stick?

“History is a myth that men agree to believe” - Napoleon

Instead of serious debate between our elected officials, we get talking points and one-upmanship. ‘Pundits’ have correctly labels this “Gotcha Politics”. How does Republican Jim feel about any issue? Doesn’t matter, He must say the exact opposite of Democrat Cindy on every issue. It’s the same bullshit on both sides. Republican Jim is for orange juice. Democrat Cindy says, “Fuck Orange Juice and DOUBLE FUCK Republican Jim! He’s getting kickbacks from Florida and he might be a closeted homosexual!” Republican Jim then calls Democrat Cindy a “Lying Baby Killer!” (Because of all the abortions she had last week) and the nation never blinks. It’s the same bullshit every day. This current [insert current political issue] has shown me a lot about our government and I have reached a shocking conclusion. Our form of democracy doesn’t work. When people are given the option, they will make the incorrect choice eight times out of ten. It’s science. Democracy doesn’t work because people are fucking stupid.

Over 230 years ago our founding fathers attempted to make a government that was fair to everyone (except slaves), gave the people flexibility to change laws if needed (except women), and created a leader who was not a king and shared power with two other branches of government (that one almost lasted 100 years, Lincoln). It was a great idea, but just like communism it only really works in theory. What our founding father’s failed to realize is that people at their core are nothing more than horny sheep. And while this was less of an issue in the 18th century; technology has ruined us by making Americans fatter even dumber yet hornier sheep. (Proof? I saw a man drinking rubbing alcohol while having sex with a package of used needles this morning. He WAS smart enough to wear a condom. So there’s that.)

I’m sick of living in a country where the people who don’t even have a basic understanding of how our government works has as much or even more say than I do. I know what you’re thinking, “Love it or leave it. Why are you still here if you hate it so much?” Because fuck you. I pretend to be smart enough to live in this country. I love this country, that’s why it pains me to see how fucking stupid it has become. (I'm sure all the defunding of public schools will only help make our nation smarter.) Instead of researching and making informative opinions themselves, people tune to Glenn Beck, Keith Olberman*, Bill O’Reilly and the other talking airbags for news. Worst, some people don’t have opinions at all. They spend their time talking shit about other people they feel better than in their bullshit blogs that they rarely update. Scum.

*note: This was written before his cancellation.

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Marketing Idea!

If I were the marketing manager of Hobby Lobby I would do a huge sale called The Hobbycaust.

Then I would get fired.

I know you heard this blog was sick....

Its February so that means first blog of 2010!

I do not like Lady Gaga. On multiple occasions I have been told that she is very talented. I will not debate this, my problems are not with her music. (Please, do not take this as an endorsement of her "rumored" talent.) I don't like her because of the current theme of her music. Her most recent album is titled, The Fame Monster. With The Fame Monster, she has now entered the vaunted club of artist who complain about their fame. According to the internet tha album expresses the darker side of fame usuing a monster as a metaphor. This past Sunday I accidentally watched 15 minutes of the Grammy's. In a grab for my demographic the first presenter of the night was Stephen Colbert. This was more than enough for me to watch at least his presentation. Before I knew it I was no longer watching Stephen make jokes towards his teenage daughter. I was now in the Land of Gaga. I was taken to a world where fame was killing a drag-queen attemping to dance with professional dancers while singing technopop. I had seen her previous performance at the last random music award show no one gives a crap about. I can still hear the breaking of bottles in my dreams. Below is her Grammy performance. WARNING: The Fame Monster may touch you.




Now this performance is about something. Its about how the fame is destroying her inside. I would say this to Ms. Gaga. If you don't like being famous don't do shit like this:




In my opinion Lady Gaga's style is very "LOOK AT ME, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" I can relate. I am pretty fucking awesome and everyone should pay attention to me at all times. I have seen videos of Stefani Germanotta before the Lady Gaga days. When I look at videos of Stefani then a video of Gaga I can clearly see why she made the change. No one gave a shit about Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. Didn't sell records. Doesn't make you famous. Understandably she tried something else and it took off. Lady Gaga the persona is very in your face and begs you to pay attention. She breaks bottles while playing the piano and people are talking about it the next day. It's a popular video to forward to coworkers and friends. Many artists have complained about being famous and it ruining their lives. Some of my favorites artists have also devoted entire albums to it. Please Stefani if you're going to bitch about the fame, please stop demanding it in your act.

In other news...

ESPN recently announced that it will produce the first ever all 3-D HD network. This network will offer 1080p 3-D programming 24 hours a day. With major live sporting events broadcast in 3-D. This is the first huge step in the growing trend of 3D. Movie studios have pushed 3-D movies on the masses for the last 2 years. From crap like My Bloody Valintine 3-D to amazing films like Up to that one with Hannah Montana. With Avatar making tons of money it seems the people want to experience films about blue people come to life. If 3-D is to become the home standard it's going to make us look very fucking stupid in our homes. Sony is actively planning to make TV's and video games 1080p 3-D HD. I'm all for amazing graphics, but is the 3-D expereince so much better than the HD I get now? I'm really going to have to wear a special pair of glasses just to look at fucking TV? I love TV, but even I think this is a bit much. I purchased an HDTV almost 2 years ago and I am currently shopping for a bigger and better one. Do I need this better TV? God no. Will I ask myself more questions? No. I play video games and I need to keep up with the best technology so I spend the pennies I make on big TV's and crystal meth. If you ever read that I have purchased a 3-D TV and I wear special glasses to look at TV. Fucking shoot me.

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Next Week: Next Month!

IMDB Thinks all black people look alike

Tiger Woods has been in the news a lot recently.  So much in fact that I saw a link to his IMDB page on the front page of IMDB itself.  Known for his years of TV and movie work I wanted to take a look at Tiger's acting credits.  To my surprise I discovers America's darkest secret.  Chris Tucker is Tiger Woods.

The End of Western Civilization

This week we hit rock bottom...

I'm sure none of you have heard this but Tiger Woods was recently in a single-car accident outside of his Florida home. If you live under a rock or decided you would spend this past weekend caring about things that actually mattered you totally missed the biggest story of the year. This has bumped my horrific head-on collision out of the number 1 spot for most important car accident of 2009. I'm really fucking pissed. Where was my overexposure? Why did TMZ take all those pictures of me naked and not post them? I have scars on my face maybe Tiger's wife hit me? Where's my special episode of Larry King? Is my friend Ricky really a photographer for TMZ? WHAT THE FUCK?

Sadly not everything can be about me and The Tiger Wood's incident has taught me life lessons I never wanted to learn. The one thing I learned that I would like to share with you dear reader is, Western Civilization is done. We have 10-15 years tops before everyone knows it. I'm calling it now. Listen up America, WE SUCK. We are getting stupider and less smart every day. We let shit like Tiger Wood's hitting a tree and a firehydrant control our lives for days on end. We don't care about things that truly matter anymore. Not in a clever sarcastic asshole sort of way, but in a "TIGER WOOD'S HAD A CAR ACCIDENT LETS SPECULATE FOR 5 FUCKING DAYS AND READ TMZ FOR NEWS!" sort of way. Who gives a shit that Obama was working to send an additional 30,000 troops into one of the two wars we are currently fighting. (If you don't know which war I would like to take you out for a drink and yell at you for an hour or so) Is this TMZ's fault? (Yes) Is it the fault of the E! channel? Nope, its cable news' fucking fault. Like always.

I rarely include statics and when I do they are usually made up. 100% of all idiots get all of their news from cable news. It's true, I saw that stat on one of the cable news networks. Turn on any cable news station and your either going to get a super opinionated idiot saying he loves or hates the president or you'll get 6 hours of a boy floating in a balloon. Only the boy isn't in the balloon so you get a month of the fallout from the boy not being in the balloon. When you report things immediately without letting a story develop you leave yourself open to a big news story becoming nothing more than a hoax. Or the worst possible conclusion a real story being missed. This is the cable news world and the world of TMZ. American's are getting fatter, lazier and less informed. The news channels aren't producing news. As an overweight, very lazy American I am super worried. I'm gonna go watch the Soup and plan my move to Canada.

In other news...

I am beginning a new blog with my friend Ricky Ruiz. Once a month we will go to different bars and chronicle our adventures. I'll post a link here once the first issue is posted. If it gets half the readership of this blog that will give it two readers! Don't worry it won't be as halfassed as this issue of the rant. I mean I went on at least 3 tangents and didn't really get into anything worthwhile this week. I need to stop watching cable news...

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