I'm sure none of you have heard this but Tiger Woods was recently in a single-car accident outside of his Florida home. If you live under a rock or decided you would spend this past weekend caring about things that actually mattered you totally missed the biggest story of the year. This has bumped my horrific head-on collision out of the number 1 spot for most important car accident of 2009. I'm really fucking pissed. Where was my overexposure? Why did TMZ take all those pictures of me naked and not post them? I have scars on my face maybe Tiger's wife hit me? Where's my special episode of Larry King? Is my friend Ricky really a photographer for TMZ? WHAT THE FUCK?
Sadly not everything can be about me and The Tiger Wood's incident has taught me life lessons I never wanted to learn. The one thing I learned that I would like to share with you dear reader is, Western Civilization is done. We have 10-15 years tops before everyone knows it. I'm calling it now. Listen up America, WE SUCK. We are getting stupider and less smart every day. We let shit like Tiger Wood's hitting a tree and a firehydrant control our lives for days on end. We don't care about things that truly matter anymore. Not in a clever sarcastic asshole sort of way, but in a "TIGER WOOD'S HAD A CAR ACCIDENT LETS SPECULATE FOR 5 FUCKING DAYS AND READ TMZ FOR NEWS!" sort of way. Who gives a shit that Obama was working to send an additional 30,000 troops into one of the two wars we are currently fighting. (If you don't know which war I would like to take you out for a drink and yell at you for an hour or so) Is this TMZ's fault? (Yes) Is it the fault of the E! channel? Nope, its cable news' fucking fault. Like always.
I rarely include statics and when I do they are usually made up. 100% of all idiots get all of their news from cable news. It's true, I saw that stat on one of the cable news networks. Turn on any cable news station and your either going to get a super opinionated idiot saying he loves or hates the president or you'll get 6 hours of a boy floating in a balloon. Only the boy isn't in the balloon so you get a month of the fallout from the boy not being in the balloon. When you report things immediately without letting a story develop you leave yourself open to a big news story becoming nothing more than a hoax. Or the worst possible conclusion a real story being missed. This is the cable news world and the world of TMZ. American's are getting fatter, lazier and less informed. The news channels aren't producing news. As an overweight, very lazy American I am super worried. I'm gonna go watch the Soup and plan my move to Canada.
In other news...
I am beginning a new blog with my friend Ricky Ruiz. Once a month we will go to different bars and chronicle our adventures. I'll post a link here once the first issue is posted. If it gets half the readership of this blog that will give it two readers! Don't worry it won't be as halfassed as this issue of the rant. I mean I went on at least 3 tangents and didn't really get into anything worthwhile this week. I need to stop watching cable news...
Picture of the Week
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