Let Me Clear My Throat

Okay, I lied about the big move it looks like. I haven’t had time to design the new website and I write these as they pop up in my brain, and this week I had two thoughts looks like.

Its funny how we can take things for granted. We expect some things to be there for us and they usually aren’t. Life is one long joke and death is the final punch line. I say this because I have been lied to and it hurts. I can’t believe someone could get away with a lie so long. I mean when you know something for so long you come to feel comfortable with it and then you find out that the thing that you have put all your trust in is nothing but a bold faced lie. It’s crippling and it makes me wish the people responsible were dead.

You see there is a radio station in Houston called 93 Q Country. I have seen commercials for it on TV all my life and never listening to country music I took solace in that fact that if I ever wanted to listen to 93 Q it would be there for me. Well as I rode home one night with a friend of the rant we couldn’t find anything to listen to on the radio. And before you give me any shit for listening to the radio I will say that it was because none of my CDs were in the car with me and it was either listen to the radio or talk to my friend…So I couldn’t find anything to listen to on the radio and I pressed the scan button. As the radio scanned through all of the wonder that is Houston radio we still found nothing to listen to. As the radio looped I was then hit with the biggest bombshell of my triumphant life. As the radio went from channel to channel I looked at the screen and saw a curious thing. There was country must playing on 92.9 and it was a crystal clear sound. I assumed that it was the 93Q signal on a number right before the actual station number. There have been times when I was young and poor and all I could listen to was the radio and occasionally a major stations signal would “leak” over to one of the adjourning numbers on the dial, but to my surprise there was no country after 92.9. 93 Q Country is actually 92.9 on the radio dial! I hadn’t felt so lied to since the day I found out that my parents bought me the shitty gifts they blamed on Santa Claus. (Thanks for the Light Bright instead of the He-Man Castle and who the fuck would ever want an Etchesketch.

I will not stand for this injustice of estimation. You can’t “round up” your station number for a catchier name. Its bad enough they only play country music, now they need to lie about who they are. I haven’t seen this much denial since I had my doctor check my left testicle for a tumor. I am now declaring war on 93Q to change its name to 92.9 Q if it doesn’t I will be forced to do nothing about it.

In other news... (Was removed for not being funny. And before you say none of this is funny let me just say FUCK YOU BUDDY!)

Shit You Send Me
Your emails keep me warm inside.

Well funny thing happened on the way to this section….no one emailed me. I guess I should have posted my email or something. joseph.sterling@gmail.com make it happen people.

(I’m still not expecting any emails…)

Picture of the Week

Next Week: We find out if I am full of shit or honey. My money is on honey.

Everything I Kill is Dead

This is the final issue of Weekly Rant that will appear on eblogger. The next issue will have a new home and when it is posted I will have the link to the new site posted here so all of you can update your bookmarks.

It has been a crazy month for you humble correspondent. I have had a birthday, a coma, and a “hopefully” curable STD, but the biggest thing in my lifeis that I am about to venture into cable news. Fox News is one of the most watched channels in the US and I need to get my name and face on a basic cable channel so I can get even more endorsements. (Don’t forget that if you have a flat Dr. Fixit Cans Fixit!) So in order to take over the world a little faster I just hired a new publicist, Michael Richards. Recently Kosmo Kramer has been in the news a lot and had officially declared himself as the greatest publicist ever. Mr. Richards was a has-been TV Star and now he is on News channels more than Nancy “look at my nose” Grace. Hell, he even got Al Sharpton on Larry King! Kramer has shown to me that he has what it takes to get me exposed.

Unless you have been living under a rock or Iraq the past month you have seen Michael Richards standup that was caught on camera where he said some things to a couple of men in the audience who had been “heckling” poor Kosmo. Kramer then went into the funniest bit to ever be seen on stage. It was such a hit that he landed an appearance on Letterman the very next night. I can’t wait for him get his own show on Comedy Central; it will be called “Uncle Kramer’s Kitchen”. It will be a faux cooking show where he gets his buddies in comedy like Jerry Seinfeld, the white hared guy who has been milking his guest stint on Seinfeld for the past decade and maybe that Soup Nazi guy to stop by and cook with him. The Kitchen will only be the setting between laugh heavy skits about current events and that pure craziness the Kosmo name brings to comedy. I can see it now being packaged with Mind of Mencia as the hardest hitting hour of comedy. Never before has there been a comedian like Mencia who told it like it was and said what he thought about different races. Now with Kramer in his own hard hitting sketch comedy show Comedy Central has something to compete with UPN’s Monday nights! Don’t forget Seinfeld Season 7 is out now on DVD!

In other news…

“Life sucks and then you die” the motto of my life. Recently there has been more suck then ever, and I am getting even sicker of it. Usually something shitty happens to me and I bitch about it here. I am no longer content with complaining about the shittiness of my great and wonderful existence, I am going to do something about it. I am going to finally take the next step in my life. I am going to take the step that will make my life worth living and hopefully change my life’s motto. I am going move Weekly Rant from Eblogger to its own site. I am sure that you my loyal readers have seen the horrible spelling, grammar, and formatting errors that have been present in the new issues of “Weekly Rant”. All of these errors are the fault of Eblogger and its overall shittiness. Yes, that is the second time I have said shittiness and yes that was the third. That is how shitty eblogger is. I try to make this the best experience on the internet for my readers and dawg gonnit im tryin. This is a new beginning for “Weekly Rant.” (If you have been keeping count, this is number 4). Be ready for a full website devoted to me and an archive of every rant I have ever written. It will be a glorious site and you will visit it and love me for making it. Also it will have free porn. Tell your friends.


Talking Points

Did you know that one in every five people will die without ever reading something I have written? Yes, I am not kidding. I have read the research and the studies. There are people who do not read things that I have written and it frightens me. To bring in more reader I am going to needlessly sell out and add a new feature to the Rant. I will now feature a user email section where I read and answer you’re emails. I will pick one a week and answer the question in a thoughtful and respectful way. I had fazed out Talking Points recently because I had nothing new to add to it because my job no longer sucks, and I am afraid of the people at it looking over my shoulder and reading what I am typing right now. So in it’s place will be this BRANK SPANKING NEW section….

The Shit You Send Me
Your emails keep me up at night…

Jeremy in Iraq writes:

hey joe- i just wanted to tell you happy b-day man. even though i am not there to hang ut with you guys i still think about yall. take care and have a good one. the arabian in the desert Jeremy

Well Jeremy first and foremost thank you for the warm words, I’ll be glad when you get back from spreading God’s will in Iraq. Godspeed…

Picture of the week

Next week I am going to make captain for sure!

"I'll dance for yah Mista Charlie!"

*Note: e blogger fucking blows. It makes things bold when I don't want it to and no matter how many edits I do it wont fix. So expect the rant to find a new home soon, because I am sick of e bloggers bullshit. And now the issue...

This week I talk about sports again, but don't worry next week it'll be about porn again.

July 2006 was a horrible month. There were no issues of Weekly Rant and Harold Reynolds was fired from ESPN. One night Harold was the best in the business and the next he was wondering what happened to his career. On July 26, 2006 Harold Reynolds was fired from ESPN and no reason was given to the press or the Harold. Harold Reynolds was fired form ESPN because he was accused of sexual harassment. When news got out that Harold had been let go from ESPN his fans wondered why. It was almost a month later that "The World Leader" released the news of the allegation of sexual harassment. Harold was then replaced by Steve Phillips, former GM of the Mets.

In 2003 ESPN hired Michael Irvin to be a co-anchor on for its NFL pregame programs. Two years into his career with ESPN on November 25th, 2005 Irvin was pulled over and arrested for having drug paraphernalia. Irvin was suspended for two days and returned to his job. Mr. Reynolds was fired after an ACCUSATION of harassment. Steve Phillips the man who replaced Harold resigned as GM of the Mets in 2003 after an accusation of sexual harassment. If Harold is guilty of what he is accused of then It is fine that ESPN released him of his duties, but to do so with only an accusation is stupid. Reynolds had signed a new contract with the network in March and to fire him mere months later is idiotic. Michael Irvin just as recently as last week had to apologize for racially insensitive remarks he made on ESPN radio. ESPN didn't even care to suspend him this time.

So why does Michael Irvin get to keep his job and Harold lose his?

Street Cred.

Mr. Irvin is a loud mouthed idiot. He has shown that he needs Tom Jackson and Steve Young with him at all times, so he won't say stupid shit on his own. If you ever look at Mr. Irvin on TV you have to watch look away when his smarter colleges try to speak and Irvin cuts them off to tell a funny story about "Mr. Me" Terrell Owens. Harold was smart and articulate. His breakdown of plays were the best in the business. Harold made me understand baseball as a player on the field would without making me feel or look like an idiot. When Mr. Irvin does this he only makes himself look like an idiot.

I guess what I am saying is FUCK MICHAEL IRVIN. BRING BACK HAROLD!

In other news...

Okay so I know what you are saying to yourself. What the fuck happened to the November updates? I am sorry, but it was a tough month for me. I had personal business to attend too. You see something major happened in the month of November. The McRib was back!

You see I have never had a McRib in my life and each year I must fight the onslaught that is McDonald's advertising. It's getting harder and harder each year because with each day my will to live weakens. I had no choice this year, but to lock myself away for the month until the McRib was gone.   I locked myself in my room alone with only a VHS of porn, a roll of paper towels, and what was left of my dignity. When the month of November was done two of those things were gone forever. So as I put my Best of the Spice Channel: Anal VHS away I knew I had, but one thing left to do in life. I tried the Jalapeno Burger at Wendy's and it made me sick because it wasn't cooked all the way. (yet I ate all of it...)

FUCK WENDY'S!

Talking Points

We must stop Google now while we still have a chance. Google is taking over the internet and they are not keeping it secret. When I signed into this here blog I had to register my account to configure with my Gmail account. Eblogger is now run by Google. When I go to Myspace at the to corner it say Powered by Goggle. Youtube is now owned by Google. None of that matters though. Recently Mozilla has updated the Firefox browser to include a spell check feature similar to Microsoft Word. When I make a typo it has a red line under it like in work and I have the option to right click the word and choose the correct spelling from a list. I learned that Google officially owns the internet and the free world tonight. When I type in google I get a red line; Google with a capitol G is the only proper way to spell google according to Firefox. Google already has control we must follow it or die.

Picture of the Week