IMDB Thinks all black people look alike

Tiger Woods has been in the news a lot recently.  So much in fact that I saw a link to his IMDB page on the front page of IMDB itself.  Known for his years of TV and movie work I wanted to take a look at Tiger's acting credits.  To my surprise I discovers America's darkest secret.  Chris Tucker is Tiger Woods.

The End of Western Civilization

This week we hit rock bottom...

I'm sure none of you have heard this but Tiger Woods was recently in a single-car accident outside of his Florida home. If you live under a rock or decided you would spend this past weekend caring about things that actually mattered you totally missed the biggest story of the year. This has bumped my horrific head-on collision out of the number 1 spot for most important car accident of 2009. I'm really fucking pissed. Where was my overexposure? Why did TMZ take all those pictures of me naked and not post them? I have scars on my face maybe Tiger's wife hit me? Where's my special episode of Larry King? Is my friend Ricky really a photographer for TMZ? WHAT THE FUCK?

Sadly not everything can be about me and The Tiger Wood's incident has taught me life lessons I never wanted to learn. The one thing I learned that I would like to share with you dear reader is, Western Civilization is done. We have 10-15 years tops before everyone knows it. I'm calling it now. Listen up America, WE SUCK. We are getting stupider and less smart every day. We let shit like Tiger Wood's hitting a tree and a firehydrant control our lives for days on end. We don't care about things that truly matter anymore. Not in a clever sarcastic asshole sort of way, but in a "TIGER WOOD'S HAD A CAR ACCIDENT LETS SPECULATE FOR 5 FUCKING DAYS AND READ TMZ FOR NEWS!" sort of way. Who gives a shit that Obama was working to send an additional 30,000 troops into one of the two wars we are currently fighting. (If you don't know which war I would like to take you out for a drink and yell at you for an hour or so) Is this TMZ's fault? (Yes) Is it the fault of the E! channel? Nope, its cable news' fucking fault. Like always.

I rarely include statics and when I do they are usually made up. 100% of all idiots get all of their news from cable news. It's true, I saw that stat on one of the cable news networks. Turn on any cable news station and your either going to get a super opinionated idiot saying he loves or hates the president or you'll get 6 hours of a boy floating in a balloon. Only the boy isn't in the balloon so you get a month of the fallout from the boy not being in the balloon. When you report things immediately without letting a story develop you leave yourself open to a big news story becoming nothing more than a hoax. Or the worst possible conclusion a real story being missed. This is the cable news world and the world of TMZ. American's are getting fatter, lazier and less informed. The news channels aren't producing news. As an overweight, very lazy American I am super worried. I'm gonna go watch the Soup and plan my move to Canada.

In other news...

I am beginning a new blog with my friend Ricky Ruiz. Once a month we will go to different bars and chronicle our adventures. I'll post a link here once the first issue is posted. If it gets half the readership of this blog that will give it two readers! Don't worry it won't be as halfassed as this issue of the rant. I mean I went on at least 3 tangents and didn't really get into anything worthwhile this week. I need to stop watching cable news...

Picture of the Week

Face to Facebook

Sorry for no updates.  I had hand surgery and I've been recovering the last two weeks. 

Okay I signed up for Facebook again.  Now everyone can stop asking me why am I not on Facebook.  I already sold out and got a twitter so this isn't that big of a step down from my high horse.  Be ready for me to be on Facebook as much as I am on Cheggit.   With that out of the way let's talk about the things I have been building up for the past 3 weeks.  I am so sorry I neglected you blog, but I needed some me time.  Now that I am sick of myself I want to rant on 4 topics:

1)  Fox News is the most brilliantly run network on television.  There are websites created for the sole purpose of talking shit about it. There is another cable news station devoted to only talking about Fox News. It's easy to see why it is the number one cable "news" network.  Way back after 9/11 Fox rightly (not a pun)  put all of its eggs in the George W. Bush basket.  It became THE network for the GOP.  With conservatism and patriotism at an all time high Fox News was the network of the people.  Bill O'Reilly started beating Larry King in the ratings and that Italian judge who was briefly on The People Court was on TV a lot for some reason.  Even after patriotism died and everyone started to hate W. Fox stood behind him.  When the Bush backlash led to the election of Barack Obama Fox News made the choice to become the official voice of the people.  Fuck Obama became the new slogan.   Liberals would have you believe that Fox has an agenda to in-doctrine the people agaianst Obama, but I see through this.  Fox News really doesn't give a shit about being conservative.  Its all about ratings.   Fox is number one because mostly liberals watch it to scoff and guffaw.  "Oh my Glenn Beck called Obama a racist! I'm gonna have to watch and see what bullshit he says tomorrow!"  It's brilliant.  Yes, there are people who drink the Fox Kool-Aid.  By being so for one side of the aisle they can get both sides to watch it.  The more insane the commentators at Fox get the more liberals will watch.  It's the same reason I watch Heroes, I want to see how stupid it will get. Fox News will continue to get crazier and we will all continue to watch. This isn't news its fucking TV!  You want news go read a newspaper.  Kudos, Rupert. 

2) I love TV.  I love watching a great TV show more than watching a good movie (this topic will be covered in a later blog).    It's the end of the decade and so a lot of "Best Of" lists are on the way.  So here's my list: The best TV Drama of the decade is The Wire (and best ever ever) and the best comedy is The Soup.  Yup, The Soup is the funniest show made this decade.  People have been calling this the Golden Age of television due to fantastic shows like The Wire, The Sopranos, The Shield, Lost, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Big Love, and  Deadwood to name a few.  After watching one episode of the Soup you will see this is the furthest thing from the truth.  Yes, there are some amazing TV shows right now, but there are 20 times as much crap.  For every Lost there are twenty reality shows in prime time.  From anything on E! that isn't The Soup to VH1.  Television is only about ratings and shock value.   This decade is has given us a grown woman taking a shit on the stairs and not being embarrassed.  Some things should be left in John Waters films.   Thank you Joel Mchale and the staff of The Soup for producing the funniest 30 minutes on TV every week and my choice for the funniest show of the decade. (Sorry Arrested Development...)

3)  Microsoft got away with murder.  I love video games. I would rather play a great video game than watch a good TV show.  Last gaming generation (We are currently in the 7th gaming generation, Wii, Xbox 360 and Playstation 3.  Last generation was Playstation 3, Xbox, Gamecube and Dreamcast)  I blogged about how much I hated my Xbox.  The thing died on me after only a year and a half of me owning it.  It was a piece of shit.  This generation I  bought an Xbox 360 only this time in died in less than a year.  This generation Microsoft got away with the biggest crime I think you can ever commit in the gaming industry.  They released a new console that was not ready for the market a mere 4 years after the Original Xbox came out.  The Xbox 360 was a turd when first released.  Everyone I know who had an early model had to send it in for repairs.  There wasn't just one issue, there were multiple.  Three Red Lights was like saying Voldomort's name aloud.  In a rush to beat the competition to the market for this generation Microsoft fucked over everyone who took the risk and bought an Xbox 360 when it came out.  The unwritten rule that had been established was that each video game generation would last 5 years.  The release of the Xbox 360 started a new gaming generation while developers were still developing games for  the then current generation.  The move made sense for Microsoft because the Original Xbox had already lost its generation with no hope of winning.  (Playstation 2, the most popular console of all time had won.  It still outsells some of the new consoles.  Shit, I bought two.)  So they released the 360 thus killing the selling potential of the Original Xbox and making its two competitors upcoming games look dated.  Everyone knows its the end of the cycle when the really good games come out.  Developers have had 4-5 years working on games for the system.  The 360 was a shitty console with pretty graphics and not many quality games and it was a must own because it was out first.  They fucking got away with it and they may do it again.  This generation Microsoft and Sony said the development cycle would be 10 years.  Double the old days.  As consoles get more sophisticated it makes since to let them generate money for a longer time.  They spend a lot of money to develop them.  This generation started November 22, 2004.  We are about to start the 5th year of this generation and there have been rumors of a new Xbox.  Please don't do this again Microsoft, give me 4 more years.   While it started rough the 360 is now a great console with hardware quality to back it up.  Xbox live is still the best and you charge me for that.  Please no new console for a while.  I'm fucking broke!

In other news....

I had another surgery on my left hand.  I really wish I had never been in that car accident.  The less I can use my left hand the more I think about things I won't be able to do with it.  I'll never swing a bat properly again.  I'll never play golf.  I'll never be able to give myself the stranger.  I'll never get to pretend I can play the guitar right-handed.   It sucks.  The only thing that I have that can comfort me is that I am still fucking amazing at Tekken.  Instead of thinking about the bad shit I need to enjoy the things I enjoy more. (I enjoyed writing that)  I needed a pep talk. Go Joe!  With that said here's Picture of the Week...

Picture of the Week

Next week:  TV PART TONIGHT!! TV PARTY TONIGHT!!!

Sorry, this week is a rerun....

There won't be a new rant this week. I got alot going on and if I force myself to write something just for the blog it will be shittier than the last 3 issues have been (I mean they were really bad) I'll post a double issue sometime next week.

To fill your need of my crappy writing here is the very first issue of the rant ever written:

Orginally posted 2/14/2002


What I am going talk about is September 11th, 2001. On September 11th something happened that America didn’t see coming… Emmanuelle Lewis star of TV’s Webster died of a heart attack at the tender age of 35. To his friends Lewis was known as a “prankster”, a little man with a big heart. A heart so big it almost exploded, then he died.

Mannie, as his friends call him, didn’t let fame go to his large, misshapen head. Mannie went through life as loving every minute, not mad that he was a little man who couldn’t get laid even if he paid a five-dollar whore. No, Mannie took every card he was dealt and played them till he lost all his money. Sure no one remembers his television show and no body gave a damn about him when it was out, but let us remember that little man. He lives on in all our hearts. I am sure many of you have seen his Denny’s commercial; he was a man who was always willing to make fun of himself. I mean there was so much to make fun of: the dwarfism, the television show, and the homosexuality. We are not going to judge him, sure he was called the “masked rider” in the large, underground gay orgies of Hollywood. Every time I hear the name “Emmanuelle Lewis”, I smile and remember the good times and the bad . I think some famous person who I can’t seem to remember said it best “Life sucks then you die” Yup, you die.

~Shabadu

Emmanuel Lewis
3/9/1971 - 9/11/2001*






*not really dead

The most important time in history is now, the present

This week I spend a lot of time on an issue I don’t really care about…..

I can’t believe it’s over. The Simpsons began in 1989; I was a small boy at the tender age of six about to seven. I can honestly say no show has affected my life more than the Simpsons. I know 100 million people will say the very same thing. I don’t think back when I was six about to seven that anyone knew what the Simpsons would become. From the middle of its third season to the episode before the god awful Kid Rock episode, The Simpsons was the funniest thing to ever be on television. This is not debatable. I’m not going to say the show sucks now or that they should have ended 5 years ago. I never want it to end, it’s The Simpsons! It’s been on for almost my entire life! Seeing the show end would be like losing a sibling. I haven’t watched any new episodes regularly in 3 seasons, but I still buy the classics on DVD and I’ll watch the random rerun of the day. (When the hell is Nick at Nite going to pay the big bucks to get The Simpsons? Do they not see how awesome that would be? Is Fox holding onto it for dear life or is it just too expensive? I can’t do another all-nighter of George Lopez. Get on it Nick!) I do think the quality of the show has dropped with each passing season. It’s hard to be fresh when you have been on for 20 years. The Simpsons has been on so long people my age are writing for it now. So now the biggest thing influences the humor on The Simpsons IS The Simpsons. Good comedy does this not make. While it is still one of the funniest shows on TV, The Simpsons episodes feel they are spoofing themselves. With the emergence of Family Guy’s reference a minute with no real jokes humor you can see the Simpsons trying to play catch up. Just because I remember Glow-Worms does not make it funny to show one on TV for 30 seconds. (I am not a fan of Family Guy, but that’s another MUCH, MUCH longer more belligerent rant. I think South Park really summed up my problems with Family Guy)

I’m trying to say goodbye to The Simpsons. This is my goodbye. I am one of the people who believe that the Grimey episode was the exact moment the show lost its innocence. I don’t think this started the quality decline, but it definitely became a meaner show after that. Bart was always a bad kid, but he always did the right thing in the end. Homer was always an idiot, but at least no body died, well until Grimey. (SPOILERS) This week it was announced that Marge Simpson will be in the November Issue of Playboy supposedly nude. I would just like to say thank you for officially ending my childhood.

I have watched this show since I was fucking six years old! Marge Simpson is like a second mother to me. I have spent the last 20 years getting to know this character and trust me Marge Simpson would never pose for Playboy. That doesn’t matter. There is money to be made and now people are talking about The Simpsons like when Ghost Dad came out. It’s good press. Hell it’s even going to help Playboy sell one magazine so someone can put the pictures on the Internet for the rest of us. I don’t want to sound like Old Man Bitter, but I’m really old and bitter about this! After I buy this issue the magic will be gone. I won’t see Marge the same ever again. When I look at her doing Marge things in an episode I’m only going to picture her naked and touch myself. This is different than all the poorly drawn incest filled images you can easily find on Google. This shits for real. Fuck you, Fox. You’ve killed my childhood yet again. I didn’t think it was possible after Freaky Links. Kudos.

In other news….

Have we gotten so desperate to sell print media that Playboy has to resort to printing cartoon characters? Back when I was a columnist for a major newspaper I predicted the death of print media. I never thought print pornography would suffer. I mean men will still need things to read in the bathroom? How much real damage has the iphone done? If Hugh Hefner is desperate then I fear for all our futures.

Picture of the Week



Next Week: I'll write something good for change

Man Gotta Live What He Know...

The one's called Stella was a diver and she was always down...

I do not like to recommend music to my friends. It never ends well. My dislike of recommending music doesn't stop me from doing it. It's like my alcoholism or my gambling habit. I know its a horrible idea, but there is no way I can stop myself. I'm like Jesse Jackson next to a dead civil rights leader. I know I shouldn't, but if I could only get some of his blood on me then people would respect me! (Too soon?) Recommending music to friends will only destroy the fragile foundations of your friendship. I don't mean to talk shit, but I have great taste in music. I can honestly say I enjoy all the music I love. I won't name drop or tell you how I'm great and what you listen to sucks. I don't need to make a long list of artists that your ignorant ears have never heard of or how you can't hear how awesome said artists are.

I just don't like that inevitable moment when the person I give a recommendation to doesn't appreciate it the same why I do. It's unavoidable; music is a very personal thing to me. There is no way you can ever experience what I experience when I hear an album I enjoy. I was discussing music with a friend recently and it just so happened we liked different albums from the same artist. I took it upon myself to give the hard sale on the album I liked. The friend took note and listened to the album out of respect for me. When I saw the friend a week later to my surprise they did not like it. I wasn't hurt, but I was disappointed. I ignored why I loved the album so much when recommending it, I bought it when I was 16.

I had a large CD book that was stolen from my car over a year ago. It had every CD I had ever purchased or received as a gift. This CD book told my life's story. That's what every album represented to me. A moment in time. That moment when an album was new. There are few things I enjoy more than finding an album falling in love with it. Listening to it and finding a new great song everyday. The constant sounds of the album filling my head when I'm doing the most normal activities. The pressing repeat on my favorite song of the moment. The thought that I will never remove this album from the rotation. You just can't force anyone else to have this feeling. So I'm going to try and hold my tongue and not recommend anything for a while. If someone so happens to hear a song I play and enjoy it. So be it, but I'm never recommending Lou Bega again....

In Other News..

I want to give a special shout out to one of the five people I know that reads my blog. Happy Birthday to my good friend Roy Soffes. I just want to say thank you for being a friend. In our Golden Girls role-playing society you will always be the best Rose ever. It seems like yesterday you were telling me about a story in St. Olaf. We laughed. We Cried. Blanche had sex with some random old dude. Good Times.

Picture of the Week

Next Week: I'm taking the week off so there will be a guest writer next week.

I still get rocks off...

This week I have H1N1 so only read this with gloves on…

Back in 2008 it was announced that Rage Against the Machine would be playing Lollapalooza in Chicago in August 2008. I knew I had to go. They had broken up years ago and only God would know if they would ever do another show again. So without a second thought I bought a ticket to the show with no idea how I would get there or where I would sleep when I got there. Thanks to a friend I was able to get 2 round trip standby tickets and after getting a second job (at my normal job, which was complicated) I was able to pull it off. I got to see Rage and I got to pussy out of standing in the pit the entire show. I do not regret getting the fuck out of the pit because I enjoyed the hell out of seeing the band and not having to deal with a bunch of angry white people hitting each other because that’s what white people do for fun. Sorry, white people. So because I took the risk and went to Chicago to see Rage I have this great experience I will cherish for 3-4 years. The adventures I had my week in Chicago could fill a book jacket, but that’s not why I mentioned Lolla 08. In the wake of the horrible thing that happened to me a couple of months ago (you know…crabs) I have been rethinking my life and how I do things. I did have something life changing happen to me, but I did not see any light or angels or hear God. I only saw my face covered in my own blood and I only heard my own horrible screams for help. The only major life change I would like tight now is an increase in income, but Ray Bolger is still keeping me down. Minor changes would include writing a lot more. I know the three of you who read this are really clamoring for me to write more.
So I have decided that I will go to the South by Southwest Film festival next March. I have been in Austin many times during SXSW, but never have I gone to the movie festival. I promise to write the same kind of life changing reviews I wrote for the chick flicks only this time they will be more awesomerer than a seal eating a lion. Fuck yes.


In other news…


I am completely losing my mind. No, this not my excuse for not writing anything last week. I am sure my loyal fans assumed I was in prison or dead. The jokes on you because I am very much alive and very much in prison. You see I watched an entire episode of Tyler Perry’s House of Pain and that only leaves me with the conclusion that I have lost any sanity I had left after Chernobyl. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is the most offensive thing I have ever seen on television. As a black man I want shows with predominately black casts to succeed, especially when it paints them in a realistic light. Everybody Hates Chris was a good show with a large black cast. It was set in the 80’s and none of the family’s problems were race specific. If you have ever been poor you could relate to some of the issues and if you were ever a child you could relate to other issues. This summer Everybody Hate Chris was cancelled. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is still on the air. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is not funny, but you can’t tell it that. The canned laughs never stop in the background of the series. The show focuses on a fat black man who has all of his family living in his house while he berates them and looks like a jackass. It’s Carl Winslow and Carrot Top rolled into an obnoxious firefighter. The show would have you believe that this guy is the funniest character in the history of television. In the episode I was forced to watch he locks his son out of the house for being later after curfew. This is nothing new, but the show treats it as if this man was the CRAZIEST FATHER IN THE WORLD. Oh man he locked his son out he is carazy! The son even looks at the camera with a classic “Ah, Shucks Dad!” While the “audience” laughs with fevered delight. This makes the epic adventures of Steve Urkle look like a Eugene O’Neill masterpiece. I think I’ll just stick with Family Matters reruns. Wait…


Picture of the Week





Next week I make fun of Mexicans.

Joe's Chick Flicks #4?: The Hottie and the Naughtey

That's right I finally wrote another entry and its really short...

Last year in an attempt to write more I started doing movie reviews. The plan was to write 52 reviews each one a "Chick Flick". I published a Ruthian total of three groin-grabbingly good reviews and until finally laziness won out. After a year and a half break I am finally ready to write the next installment of Joe's Chick Flix. The gem I watched this week was the touching tale of boy meets whore and ugly friend, The Hottie and the Nottie.This issue is very different than the previous installments as I did not watch all of the movie. The parts I did watch were never on the same day and never for more than 15 minutes.

The Hottie and the Nottie was a movie I thought went direct-to-DVD, but in actuality it was a genuine box office bomb. It made even less money than Mallrats did on its opening weekend. The film (not sure if thats what it should be referred as) stars Joel Long as, Some guy who's name I never got. You see Some guy who's name I never got falls in love in elementary school with Paris Hilton. He is now in his early thirties and is still in love with Paris even though he hasn't seen her since elementary school. After stalking her Some guy who's name I never got convinces Paris to go out with him. There is one problem, she has a horribly disgusting looking best friend and to win Paris Hilton's heart he must find a boyfriend for her ugly BFF. The ugly bitch is played by the girl who played Al on Step by Step. And do they make her ugly. She has a huge mole (GROSS!), she has bad teeth (OMG DOUBLE GROSS), she doesn't comb her hair (ICKY!) and she hangs out with Paris Hilton! I'm not certain, but she may or may not have worn glasses. It seems Some guy who's name I never got has his work cut out for him. With Heath Ledger having died I am going to assume this movie wasn't 10 Things I Hate About You, but I will assume the movie stole parts from it. I did not see the middle of the movie, but I can imagine what happens. Al gets a makeover and Some guy who's name I never got realizes he loves her and not Paris Hilton. It is after this happed that I started watching the movie again on TV. Apparently Al hooks up with a douchebag with a nice house and big muscles who is only dating Al from Step by Step so he can have sex with her. I was appalled. What kind of man would buy a house and work out regularly to trick women into having sex with him? Motherfucker. Some guy who's name I never got gets into a fight with this well meaning fellow and this pisses Al from Step by Step off. Al leaves the party I assume with Mr. Movie Douche and Some guy who's name I never got goes to bed with Paris Hilton. After finally looking at Paris Hilton's face and realizing that he was about to have sex with Paris fucking Hilton, Some guy who's name I never got runs to Mr. Movie Douche's house to stop Al from finally getting laid. Only she isn't there! Just like in real life the girl who was ignored all her life and was finally about to have sex she decided not to because it wasn't right. And sex is icky anyways. Some guy who's name I never got runs to the beach and they make out. End film.

I only watched 30-45 minutes and it's the worst movie I have ever reviewed. I have no doubt that the people who made this movie were kicked out of Hollywood or made to work for the Weinstein Company now. The movie did have one saving grace, it ended.

Better than How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days: NO

Picture of the Week

Next week: I promise I'll write more than 700 words...

They say don't drink the water, we need it for the fire

This week I come to terms with my inner demon, the nine-tailed beast….

As I am sure all of you know I use to work at a Smoothie King.   It was a shitty job.  I had to stand on my feet all day.  My boss would randomly drive by and look at us from his car to make sure we weren't sitting down and resting.  It was a thankless job with very low pay.  The store I worked at was in the richest neighborhood in Houston.  Local star athletes would frequent the store and so would rich douchebags.  As there was a local private school a block away I would get treated at 4 o'clock and I would have to make smoothies for 16 year-olds with nicer cars than I would ever own in my life.  Hell at the time I worked there I didn't even have a car.  My grandmother would have to drop me off and my mother would pick me up.  Even though I hated working there I do look back at the time fondly.  I worked with a really cool girl named Crystal and our morning shifts together we pretty fun.  Her departure was really what made me look for other employment and that's how I landed at the Alley Theatre.

While Smoothie King means still means a lot to me in reality my time there didn't mean shit to anyone but me.  I ventured to Smoothie King after work today to see how the old place looked.  There were some changes but the places that meant anything to me were exactly the same.  The prices were a dollar more on every smoothie and no one I know still works there.  I made casual conversation with the girl at the register and then I did the worst thing I could have possibly done.  I name dropped the old owner and said I use to work there.  As if this would make me and this stranger at the register best friends.  I have no idea why I did it.  Maybe I was trying to reclaim the memories of the job I fucking hated for 2 and a half years.  Or maybe I didn't want to have to pay five goddamn dollars for a 20 oz. smoothie.  Either way I walked out of that store ashamed and in tears.

I guess what I am really trying to say is at a job NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU AFTER YOU LEAVE.  If you are still clinging to whatever job you use to have, let it go.  You'll just end up looking as stupid as I did and please for the love of God don't mention your last job every 3 min at your current job.  That's worst than writing a blog no one reads or writing a blog entry about Smoothie King.

In Other News...

Gamefly is fucking brilliant. Gamefly is essentially Netflix for videogames. I am a devote gamer. I was baptized in a pool of Nintendo, I drank the blood Sony and I [insert random Christian tradition] of Microsoft. Since receiving my first NES I have had one desire and one desire alone; to waste my life playing video games all the fucking time. Paying for video games is the ONLY reason I have a job. With my recent auto asphyxiation (I’m saying that correctly right? I was in a bad car accident) I have had less money to pay for my bad habit. So I signed up for a Gamefly to keep the urges down. Call it my methadone treatments. Gamefly so far has been great; they have even given me $5 in game dollars to purchase a used game. It’s fucking brilliant. Hook me in with a monthly fee then offer the game at a discounted rate. If I purchase the game for $20 they have my monthly fee, my $20 and they just unloaded an old unpopular game of me because they no longer need that many in stock. As I work in marketing I love it when the company tricks you into spending more money than you ever intended. God Bless this wonderful country.

Picture of the Week

Next Week: I talk about my old job at American General!

It's a gas, gas, gas...

This week is really two rants shoved together....

I have had a lot on my mind recently, I am 26 years old. Yes, I know 26 is the new 22 3/4, but I am starting to feel like the best years of my life are behind me. I only have mind-crippling depression, more debt, and more illegitimate children to look forward to. So, I need to make a drastic life change. One so drastic that it will make my last 7 drastic life changes look like stupid ideas I gave up on the moment they became challenging. I know what you are saying to yourself 1) "does this guy ever proof read?" 2) "How is this different from the novel or the yearly movie blog?" 3)"penis." Well, fuck you. I’m going to get more involved with politics. My old age has made me care more about the proud country we live in.

We here at the Rant tried to keep our nose clean of politics. I can only think of one other instance I have ever written something political in a rant and to my delight it won an Emmy. (I'm still not sure how that happened) Right now our nation is fighting about Obama’s proposed Health Care Reform. I have health insurance. The best fucking health insurance this side of Canada and after seeing my life flash before my eyes in a horrific car accident I have decided I would like to live forever. If for some reason I couldn’t live forever I would atleastlike to live to be the oldest man in the world. My health insurance is fantastic, but they have not found a cure for death (yet). Now the way this ties into ObamaCare is with the proposed “death panels” so many people are riled up about. The Fox News has been all over this. I am a strong supporter of population reduction. Scientist Dr. Al Gore has proven that man is killing this planet. I don't see how anyone can go green and have children. By creating more people we are only killing our planet and ourselves. We need to drastically decrease our population so I am really excited that Obama has seen this and is doing something about it. By providing health care to the young and killing the old, President Obama has put the future ahead of the present or past.

Conservatives however do not like this plan at all. According to the GOP the murdering of the elderly should be left to drunk drivers and HMO’s. I honestly think everyone should be for these death panels, Dems and Republicans alike. It pains me to see the hostility at town hall meetings. Some people have even decided to bring guns to these protests. Personally, I'm not a gun nut. I have no problem with RESPONSNABLE people owning guns for protection, recreation, or robberies. I honestly feel anyone who would bring an Assault Rifle to a protest with hundreds of people around should not be allowed to have a gun. Yet this is what happened three fucking times. I understand why some would be slow to act on "killing" innocent people, but removal of these people would greatly improve the current situation of this country. People just need time to accept it; we didn't want to murder Muslims in 1999. If we go through with Obama Care the sky is the limit:

1. If we kill the old, the unemployment rate should fix itself. Old people and cripples don’t fucking work. Kill those worthless sacks of shit.

2. If we kill the old, lines at grocery stores will be faster. Cuz the few old people that do work won’t be hogging all the cushy jobs at Kroger’s and Wal-Mart.

3. Less Granny porn. I mean really that’s just gross. It needs to stop.

4. We can make it a sport. Who wouldn’t love to visit the Kill Old Folks camp just 30 minutes outside of Las Vegas. We can finally hunt natures most dangerous game, Man

5. No one will talk shit about how new things suck and the past was great. We can forget the past ever happened.

I mean really that’s just the shit I came up with at lunch. We need to support ObamaCare!

In other news...

I am a huge fan of ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption. I think Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon are two of the funniest and smartest guys on television. During my recent 2-month house arrest I got to look at a lot of television. I mean A LOT more than any normal person should watch. (I watched 4 hours of Cash Cab a day.) PTI recently started doing a sort of look in during commercial breaks. After one or two commercials the camera would show in studio TK and Wilbon talking or writing or doing whatever they do during the break. I thought it was a fantastic idea. It lets the fans see more of the stars and feel semi included in the behind the scenes happenings of the popular TV show. Then I started to see this on many other TV shows and I began to piece it together. They fucking tricked me into watching commercials. It’s a brilliant trick. It’s even better than “Trivia Question to be answered after the break”.

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I am not a gun.

This week I destroy my already fragile mental state…

As I am sure all my readers know I am what they call "All That is Man". I'm pretty sure Adam looked exactly like me because God made Adam in his image and so forth. In the history of my legendary existence there have been a handful of times where my eyes have pissed all over my face (still in the most manly way possible). Some people (pussies) call this act crying and while I am tougher than most even I am not immune to the occasional emotion. Seeing as America is a countdownin' and rankin' lovin' society I am now going to list the five movies that have ever made me cry. The numbers have no value, but they look pretty don't they.

5. Terms of Endearment

Yes, I watched Terms of Endearment. Yes, it made me cry like a little bitch. I watched this movie a month after cancer took my father's life. It was on TV and nothing else was on so I watched it and preceded to relive the death of my father.

4. The Green Mile

SPOILERS I guess, but the killing of John Coffee made we cry the first time I was this film. It does a good job of making you enjoy a mentally challenged man and then see him die a meaningless painful death. Kudos Durabont you got me.

3. Wall-E

Sniff...I'm still crying actually....This movie is one of the best movies this decade and easily the best romantic comedy I have ever seen. TAKE THAT KATE HUDSON!

2. The Iron Giant

Two words, "Super...Man" (That's two words right?)

1. Field of Dreams

I don't really have to explain this one. My father's death in 2002 was the biggest emotional event of my adult life. Losing a parent is very hard, but losing your father as you truly become a man is even tougher. There is isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him and I am glad Ray Consella got what so many of us wish we could have. Even if its only for one game of catch.

In other news…

I need to vent. 2009 has been the single worst year of my life. 2002, the previous king of awful, had very little competition, but with only six months 2009 has ruined me forever. For anyone that didn’t know, at 6:00 p.m. Sunday, May 31^st, 2009 I had a major car accident. In the small town of Clute, TX my 2006 Mitsubishi Lancer and a 2003 Ford Ranger had a head on collusion. For legal reasons that is all I will say about the accident. I will say that at 6:00 p.m., Sunday, May 31^st, 2009 whoever I was before that moment essentially died. I am not the same person. I process information differently. I may seem the same externally, but the world in my brain is not a place I like to live anymore. All of this hurts more because at 5:59 p.m., Sunday, May 31^st, 2009 I was happy, very happy. For the first time since my father died in 2002 I was in a good place emotionally. I was still manly as they come, just sad my dad wasn't around to see how awesome I was. I had a well paying job, a moderate number of friends, a girl who let me touch her, all three major video game consoles, and damn near every episode of MST3K on my computer. I was doing better than Bernie Madoff circa 2007. Like all good things, however it ended quickly and without warning. I now have limited use of my left arm and wrist. I have severe pain in both ankles. I have medical bills that make my student loans look reasonable. I wish none of this ever happened to me, but we don’t get to pick and choose the bad shit that happens to us. A wise man once said,” I don’t want to go through life without any scars.” Well he didn’t get a look at my left hand. Fucker.

I’m glad no one reads my blog because this was hard for me to write. Its one thing to talk about it when asked, but writing it alone makes me relive everything that happened to me after 6:00 p.m. Sunday, May 31^st, 2009. It was the toughest and most painful thing I have endured in my adult life. I’m not writing this for anyone to read and feel sorry for me. (If you do feel sorry for me please send any and all donations to: “One Armed” Joe Sterling/ 615 Texas Ave./Houston, TX 77002) This post is for me May 31^st, 2010. I really hope you’re doing better, you large rock of a man.

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Next week: We talk about HOT MEGAN FOX NUDE PICS in another shameless attempt at more readers….

Joe’s Chick Flix 2: Two Week’s Notice

This is the second movie review I did.  Like the others its a complete rip off of Nathan Rabin only really shitty...

Originally Posted 2/1/08

2002 was a very busy year for Sandra Bullock. After finding a surprise hit in 2000 with Miss Congeniality (Ms. Jackson if you're forced reference) Bullock made a Jude Law-esq three films in 2002 (none with Mr. Law however). Her first film of 2002 was the shocking emotional thriller Murd3r by Numbers. A film so shocking and relevant it reverted to l33t in the title. Not since The Net has a Bullock movie been so in touch with today's internet savvy world. Her next film was the heart warming gem The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sister Hood. A movie so good it decided to go with the backup title. Neither film was the success that Miss Congeniality had been, so for her third movie that year she re-teamed with the writer and director of Miss Congeniality, Marc Lawrence for Two Weeks Notice. A romantic comedy produced by Bullock starring herself and Hugh Grant. Of her three movies in 2002 Two Weeks Notice had the worst title; the correct grammar is Two Week's Notice. (I learned this from the internets because I am no one to judge grammar.) In spite of its title,however,  Two Weeks Notice was her most successful film of the year, grossing as much as her last 2 movies combined in theatres. While researching the movie I learned a weird fact about it. The film was one of the first movies filmed in New York City after the attacks of September 11th. The success of Two Weeks Notice is actually credited with helping the cities economy rebound after the attacks and December 11, 2002 was actually named "Two Weeks Notice Day" by the mayor. You see Guliani had nothing to do with helping rebound NYC after the attacks and Sandra Bullock should have run for president. If only she would have made a movie in New Orleans post Katrina.



Two Weeks Notice is an interesting film. When I started out doing this I figured it would be 52 weeks of me bashing these movies to shit. What would happen if one of these movies was actually good? Well half way into my second week I was ALMOST faced with this dilemma. We are introduced to Lucy Kelson (Bullock) at the open of the movie. Lucy is protesting hippy and is currently protesting the destruction of a building. Lucy is a lawyer/activist who went to Harvard and got a law degree so she could lay in the street to protect condemned buildings. She has a boyfriend who is over seas with Green Peace and never comes home to visit her. The stress of fighting losing causes and a boyfriend she never sees causes her to over eat, and the movie LOVES this fact. It even calls back to it every 15 minutes. If anything makes her nervous she binges on food (thankfully all off screen). It seems that every building Lucy is trying to save in New York is being destroyed by a company run by George Wade (Grant).

George Wade is a rich British man who was raised in America (according to photos shown during the opening credits) and has a very British accent. I will assume George was raised in the Wee Britain area of Manhattan (be sure to look out for the Poppins). He is the face of the company while his, also British, brother really runs the business and bosses George around from behind the scenes. When we meet George he is summoned by his brother in the middle of a party. His brother tells him that he needs to hire a new lawyer and one with an Ivy League education. Luckily, on the street he is approached by Lucy who makes him an offer. If he promises not to destroy a community center, that she went loved as a child, Lucy will get him a lucrative land deal in Coney Island across the street. After learning she is a Harvard grad George offers her the lawyer job with the promise he won't destroy her community center. We have a plot!

The movie then has a flash-forward to one year later. After working for George for a year Lucy has grown tired of his neediness. George is a rich man who can't make decisions for himself and almost every decision in his life is made by Lucy. He calls her at 3 am just to ask her what pants he should wear. It is after a call forcing her to leave a wedding that Lucy decides to quit her job and go back to being a hippy activist. The first half of the movie the not bad at all, it's surprisingly good. The two characters are interesting and for the first 45 minutes it's not about them being in love with each other at all. It's the opposite of last weeks How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. That movie was a collection of unfunny skits with two mediocre actors playing two shitty characters. This movie actually attempts to let us know how these characters need each other without treating the viewer like an idiot.

Then the second half of the movie starts and it feels like insert cliché here from then on. Lucy has given her two week's notice (WE HAVE A TITLE!) and she now has to find a replacement for her. Alicia Witt is introduced as attractive young attorney looking for a job. George hires her just by looking at her and so begins the Lucy is jealous of the attractive redhead part of the movie. Lucy has quit her job because she was sick of George and now she hates that George is getting close to her replacement. In the year she has worked for George, Lucy had a boyfriend and when they break up she drunkenly tries to sleep with George. It's a good thing she had already quit. George does not sleep with her and actually frees her from an awkward situation by joking off the fact she made a move on him. Lucy clearly has feelings for him, but she never says anything to him when she is sober. She instead plays the jealous woman who hates the younger woman because the younger woman is moving in on the guy she likes, but she has never told the guy she loves him. The movie gets as stupid as that sentence. The jealousy plot goes on for the entire last half of the movie leading to a collection of skits where Witt and Bullock butt heads in tennis matches and a horrible scene about a company stapler. It is on Lucy's very last day George is told by his brother that the company has no choice, but to tear down the community center that George promised to save. This event makes everything in the movie George's fault, because he now has to break his promise to Lucy.

The movie closes with a predicable wrap up. George chooses not to give in to his brother and quits his job for Lucy. He then goes to her new job to tell her what he has done and to ask her for forgiveness, because the man is always wrong. He finally confesses to her he loves her and the movie ends with a kiss. It was really touching and I cried on the inside. I am only two movies in and I have noticed a pattern in these types of movies. Women love to be apologized to and told they are loved in front of strangers and/or coworkers. Women want to be swept off their feet either at work or before they are leaving the city/country forever. I think I am going to go to the airport next week and tell every woman I see that I am sorry and love her.

The movie had a chance of being good, but it bailed out and became just another chick flick.

Better than How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days: Yes.

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Next week I spend another evening with Sandra Bullock in The Lake House…

Pray for me.

SUPER HOT MEGAN FOX PHOTO!

This week I sell out for free...

In a blatant attempt to get traffic to my blog I am now posting a random picture of Megan Fox:

So there you have it.  I'll be back tomorrow with a repost of another chick flick review and if you're lucky another picture of Megan Fox.

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Joe’s Chick Flix 1: How to Lose a Joe in 10 min...

This was the very first movie review I ever wrote.  It was suppose to be the start of my 52 entry saga, Joe's Chick Flix.  Laziness always prevails...

Originally Published 1/25/2008

Okay, so about 3 years ago I came up with the idea for my first novel.  Just like my life and everything I do it was a complete joke. My first novel was the touching story of a boy who loses his little brother in the mall and has 5 hours to find him before said mall closes. In these 5 hours he finds love with his nerdy best friend who he had never noticed was in love with him, fights a monster of some kind, and falls into a time vortex. It was a mystery romance with a sci-fi twist, everything a teenage girl would look for in literature. The title for this amazing novel was, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I chose this title because I thought it was clever and just seeing the trailers for the movie of the same name made me laugh. No, I didn't laugh at the trailer because I thought it was funny (I DIDN'T! You believe me right?!), but because I thought the title was fucking terrible. I mean Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo, terrible. So, because it was already worthy of being the title of my first novel I chose How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (Yes, I will write the entire title every time) as the first movie in my groundbreaking expose on chick flicks. Having never seen it, no other movie could possible be first in my year long odyssey. In preparing for this review I did some research on the film, I didn't want to just bash the movie for a couple of paragraphs. I wanted to understand why it existed and why I wanted the people responsible for it dead. There was something I didn't know about this movie, something that turned my world upside down and then shook it a little. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days was the film adaptation of a book called, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. That's right, not only had my first novel been written and published, but it had already been made into a movie. Before I had a chance to call my lawyers I decided to find out more about this book. You see the book version of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is a cartoon how-to book made to make people laugh (something the movie makes poor attempts to do). I know its cliché, but the book is almost always better and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is no exception to this.

Before I get into my review of the movie let me just say that writing about chick flicks every week will be 100 times harder than I thought it would be:

1) Some of these movies will be fucking terrible and very hard to watch with out some MST3K treatment and that's hard to do when you're alone in your room with your pants down.

2) I have given up drinking for the next month so at least the first four entries in Joe's Chick Flicks (working title) will be seen by me sober. I was on vacation last week and I proceeded to get drunk for 6 straight days. No more drinking, unless these movies drive me back. I have a bottle of scotch just in case shit happens.

3) Buying these movies was an awful idea and I should shoot myself for entertaining the idea of it ever in my life. I don't even care about the embarrassment of being seen buying it or it being seen in my DVD collection (I own Joe vs. the Volcano proudly). It's the spending more than $4 for How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days I can't stand. I mean I can watch it on USA for free any day of the week. So no promises on me buying all of these movies, it only matters if I watch them and dear God did I watch How to Lose Guy in 10 Days.




How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is about a woman named Andy Anderson (Kate Hudson). She works for a Cosmo like magazine named Composure. She writes a monthly How-To column which ranges from the interesting topics How to Get a Better Body in 5 days to even the more interesting topic like How to Talk Your Way Out of a Ticket. For some reason she doesn't enjoy writing these types of stories and would like to write stories that matter on a global scale. Helping women get out of speeding tickets by using their breast isn't fulfilling I guess. She has a friend/co worker, whose name I refused to remember, that has just broken up with a guy after a week. She is a clingy cry-baby succubus of a woman that deserved anything bad that has ever happened to her in life. This woman leads to Andy getting the idea and being forced into writing a column on How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (we have a title!).

Meanwhile, there is ad executive, Benjamin Barry, played by Matthew McConaughey. We are introduced to Ben as he rides into traffic on his motor cycle wearing a black leather jacket and a black helmet. He is all that is man. Six minutes into the movie and less than 3 lines into his character McConaughey's shirt is off. I'm pretty sure that this is what the women who paid to see this movie wanted and I think it was foolish to put it in so early in the movie. Ben is a young shirtless go-getter and for some reason the only way he can land an advertising contract is by tricking a woman to fall in love with him before the a big office party that happens in, you guessed it, 10 days. Other characters appear in the movie, but only to force these two people together. Adam Goldberg is in the movie, but I would like to erase that from my memory because I like Adam Goldberg and I enjoy him in movies. Then there is the woman who is competing with Ben for the same job (played by Michael Michelle). She knows of Andy's story about losing a guy in 10 days and she manipulates it so Ben has to make Andy fall in love with him in 10 days. Andy and Ben meet each other and for some reason they have a conversation only using verbs that only gave me a headache and the movie was only 20 minutes in. After this conversation they have an amazing date that starts an awful chain reaction that is the plot of this film. The next 10 days are the most ridiculous 10 days of dating I have ever seen.  

Each day is essentially a new skit for Kate Hudson to try and be as funny as her mother was in the 80's. Looking like Goldie Hawn can only get you so far and from this movie it looks like it isn't really that far. She takes him to game 1 of the NBA Finals. The New York Knicks vs. the Sacramento Kings and game 1 is in New York. There are at least 30 things wrong with this game. During the last minute of the game Andy makes Ben miss the final shot pf the game by insisting that he buy her a soda. Thus begins the chess game that is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Andy tries to make him dump her and Ben tries to make her fall in love with him. The next day Andy makes Ben go to see Sleepless in Seattle and gets him beaten up. The third day she moves in all her stuff and starts to give his penis girly nicknames. I'd feel sorry for the guy, but I don't give a shit. The movie would be watchable if it had a different plot and a different cast. Hudson and McConaughey play two characters you care nothing about. Most of the movie you are suppose to feel sorry for Ben for having to deal with this shitty, shitty woman, but he is equally shitty. It's not that they will end up together (they will); anyone who sees this movie knows that before they watch it. It's not even about the ridiculousness of the plot. Any movie you see has a bit of absurdity to it and nitpicking the coincidences that led to their dating is pointless. Most romantic comedies feature one person who is in the relashionship for love and another person who is in it for the wrong reason or they never notice the great thing they had in front of them the entire time. In the end the person who was in the relationship for the wrong reason realizes they love the other person and chases them because the other person is worth it. This movie chooses to take the dirt bags from other chick flicks and forces them to fall in love.

By the third act both characters have really fallen in love with the other and now it is time for each to find out the horrible truth about the other. This happens at the big office party were Ben wins his bet and gets the job. For some reason the movie decided to have a musical number here and the two characters belittle each other while singing. They argue and go their separate ways. Ben starts his new job and Andy quits hers, but not before she writes he article about her time with Ben and about how she really found love in her stupid attempt to lose a guy. Ben reads it and decides that he must go and get back the woman he dated for 10 days that lied to him pretty much the entire time. He loves her dammit! Ben runs to her office, but she is no longer there. She is moving to Washington for a better job! That's right with 10 minutes to go in the movie he has to go stop the woman he loves form leaving him forever. This is the first chick flick I have chosen to watch and review and I am already sick of this plot device. (It's going to be a LONG year) I'd tell you if he stops her, but I would just be wasting more of my own time.

Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. At no point did I laugh, but I didn't fall asleep and honestly that's a victory for this movie. The movie also taught me a lot about life. If you are in a relationship and both of you are lying, no matter who has lied the most it's up to the man to apologize because he is wrong. If you're gay, you're both wrong. If you're a lesbian you're both right and you better go find a new girlfriend.

Since this is the very first movie I will not give it a rating. It will be the bar for which all other chick flicks I review will be judged. So I'll be back next week with Two Weeks Notice and maybe a beer of seven.

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Everybody Funny, Now You Funny Too...

Well, it would appear the last comeback attempt was the shortest.  If you are one of the 3 people to read this blog then you know this is my 11th comeback.  This time I'm not going to to lie to you and say you're going to see alot of updates.  I'm probably gonna move the movie reviews to this blog then write some new shit about the car accident I was in.  Alots changed since I last wrote this blog. Google owns this here blog, i bought an Xbox 360 and it broke after a year of me owning it (I didn't even listen to my own advice) and a black man is president.

Also I'm lame now and I have a twitter.  I'm thinking about taking up rollerblading...

DUKE, OUT!

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