Man Gotta Live What He Know...

The one's called Stella was a diver and she was always down...

I do not like to recommend music to my friends. It never ends well. My dislike of recommending music doesn't stop me from doing it. It's like my alcoholism or my gambling habit. I know its a horrible idea, but there is no way I can stop myself. I'm like Jesse Jackson next to a dead civil rights leader. I know I shouldn't, but if I could only get some of his blood on me then people would respect me! (Too soon?) Recommending music to friends will only destroy the fragile foundations of your friendship. I don't mean to talk shit, but I have great taste in music. I can honestly say I enjoy all the music I love. I won't name drop or tell you how I'm great and what you listen to sucks. I don't need to make a long list of artists that your ignorant ears have never heard of or how you can't hear how awesome said artists are.

I just don't like that inevitable moment when the person I give a recommendation to doesn't appreciate it the same why I do. It's unavoidable; music is a very personal thing to me. There is no way you can ever experience what I experience when I hear an album I enjoy. I was discussing music with a friend recently and it just so happened we liked different albums from the same artist. I took it upon myself to give the hard sale on the album I liked. The friend took note and listened to the album out of respect for me. When I saw the friend a week later to my surprise they did not like it. I wasn't hurt, but I was disappointed. I ignored why I loved the album so much when recommending it, I bought it when I was 16.

I had a large CD book that was stolen from my car over a year ago. It had every CD I had ever purchased or received as a gift. This CD book told my life's story. That's what every album represented to me. A moment in time. That moment when an album was new. There are few things I enjoy more than finding an album falling in love with it. Listening to it and finding a new great song everyday. The constant sounds of the album filling my head when I'm doing the most normal activities. The pressing repeat on my favorite song of the moment. The thought that I will never remove this album from the rotation. You just can't force anyone else to have this feeling. So I'm going to try and hold my tongue and not recommend anything for a while. If someone so happens to hear a song I play and enjoy it. So be it, but I'm never recommending Lou Bega again....

In Other News..

I want to give a special shout out to one of the five people I know that reads my blog. Happy Birthday to my good friend Roy Soffes. I just want to say thank you for being a friend. In our Golden Girls role-playing society you will always be the best Rose ever. It seems like yesterday you were telling me about a story in St. Olaf. We laughed. We Cried. Blanche had sex with some random old dude. Good Times.

Picture of the Week

Next Week: I'm taking the week off so there will be a guest writer next week.

I still get rocks off...

This week I have H1N1 so only read this with gloves on…

Back in 2008 it was announced that Rage Against the Machine would be playing Lollapalooza in Chicago in August 2008. I knew I had to go. They had broken up years ago and only God would know if they would ever do another show again. So without a second thought I bought a ticket to the show with no idea how I would get there or where I would sleep when I got there. Thanks to a friend I was able to get 2 round trip standby tickets and after getting a second job (at my normal job, which was complicated) I was able to pull it off. I got to see Rage and I got to pussy out of standing in the pit the entire show. I do not regret getting the fuck out of the pit because I enjoyed the hell out of seeing the band and not having to deal with a bunch of angry white people hitting each other because that’s what white people do for fun. Sorry, white people. So because I took the risk and went to Chicago to see Rage I have this great experience I will cherish for 3-4 years. The adventures I had my week in Chicago could fill a book jacket, but that’s not why I mentioned Lolla 08. In the wake of the horrible thing that happened to me a couple of months ago (you know…crabs) I have been rethinking my life and how I do things. I did have something life changing happen to me, but I did not see any light or angels or hear God. I only saw my face covered in my own blood and I only heard my own horrible screams for help. The only major life change I would like tight now is an increase in income, but Ray Bolger is still keeping me down. Minor changes would include writing a lot more. I know the three of you who read this are really clamoring for me to write more.
So I have decided that I will go to the South by Southwest Film festival next March. I have been in Austin many times during SXSW, but never have I gone to the movie festival. I promise to write the same kind of life changing reviews I wrote for the chick flicks only this time they will be more awesomerer than a seal eating a lion. Fuck yes.


In other news…


I am completely losing my mind. No, this not my excuse for not writing anything last week. I am sure my loyal fans assumed I was in prison or dead. The jokes on you because I am very much alive and very much in prison. You see I watched an entire episode of Tyler Perry’s House of Pain and that only leaves me with the conclusion that I have lost any sanity I had left after Chernobyl. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is the most offensive thing I have ever seen on television. As a black man I want shows with predominately black casts to succeed, especially when it paints them in a realistic light. Everybody Hates Chris was a good show with a large black cast. It was set in the 80’s and none of the family’s problems were race specific. If you have ever been poor you could relate to some of the issues and if you were ever a child you could relate to other issues. This summer Everybody Hate Chris was cancelled. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is still on the air. Tyler Perry’s House of Pain is not funny, but you can’t tell it that. The canned laughs never stop in the background of the series. The show focuses on a fat black man who has all of his family living in his house while he berates them and looks like a jackass. It’s Carl Winslow and Carrot Top rolled into an obnoxious firefighter. The show would have you believe that this guy is the funniest character in the history of television. In the episode I was forced to watch he locks his son out of the house for being later after curfew. This is nothing new, but the show treats it as if this man was the CRAZIEST FATHER IN THE WORLD. Oh man he locked his son out he is carazy! The son even looks at the camera with a classic “Ah, Shucks Dad!” While the “audience” laughs with fevered delight. This makes the epic adventures of Steve Urkle look like a Eugene O’Neill masterpiece. I think I’ll just stick with Family Matters reruns. Wait…


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Next week I make fun of Mexicans.

Joe's Chick Flicks #4?: The Hottie and the Naughtey

That's right I finally wrote another entry and its really short...

Last year in an attempt to write more I started doing movie reviews. The plan was to write 52 reviews each one a "Chick Flick". I published a Ruthian total of three groin-grabbingly good reviews and until finally laziness won out. After a year and a half break I am finally ready to write the next installment of Joe's Chick Flix. The gem I watched this week was the touching tale of boy meets whore and ugly friend, The Hottie and the Nottie.This issue is very different than the previous installments as I did not watch all of the movie. The parts I did watch were never on the same day and never for more than 15 minutes.

The Hottie and the Nottie was a movie I thought went direct-to-DVD, but in actuality it was a genuine box office bomb. It made even less money than Mallrats did on its opening weekend. The film (not sure if thats what it should be referred as) stars Joel Long as, Some guy who's name I never got. You see Some guy who's name I never got falls in love in elementary school with Paris Hilton. He is now in his early thirties and is still in love with Paris even though he hasn't seen her since elementary school. After stalking her Some guy who's name I never got convinces Paris to go out with him. There is one problem, she has a horribly disgusting looking best friend and to win Paris Hilton's heart he must find a boyfriend for her ugly BFF. The ugly bitch is played by the girl who played Al on Step by Step. And do they make her ugly. She has a huge mole (GROSS!), she has bad teeth (OMG DOUBLE GROSS), she doesn't comb her hair (ICKY!) and she hangs out with Paris Hilton! I'm not certain, but she may or may not have worn glasses. It seems Some guy who's name I never got has his work cut out for him. With Heath Ledger having died I am going to assume this movie wasn't 10 Things I Hate About You, but I will assume the movie stole parts from it. I did not see the middle of the movie, but I can imagine what happens. Al gets a makeover and Some guy who's name I never got realizes he loves her and not Paris Hilton. It is after this happed that I started watching the movie again on TV. Apparently Al hooks up with a douchebag with a nice house and big muscles who is only dating Al from Step by Step so he can have sex with her. I was appalled. What kind of man would buy a house and work out regularly to trick women into having sex with him? Motherfucker. Some guy who's name I never got gets into a fight with this well meaning fellow and this pisses Al from Step by Step off. Al leaves the party I assume with Mr. Movie Douche and Some guy who's name I never got goes to bed with Paris Hilton. After finally looking at Paris Hilton's face and realizing that he was about to have sex with Paris fucking Hilton, Some guy who's name I never got runs to Mr. Movie Douche's house to stop Al from finally getting laid. Only she isn't there! Just like in real life the girl who was ignored all her life and was finally about to have sex she decided not to because it wasn't right. And sex is icky anyways. Some guy who's name I never got runs to the beach and they make out. End film.

I only watched 30-45 minutes and it's the worst movie I have ever reviewed. I have no doubt that the people who made this movie were kicked out of Hollywood or made to work for the Weinstein Company now. The movie did have one saving grace, it ended.

Better than How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days: NO

Picture of the Week

Next week: I promise I'll write more than 700 words...

They say don't drink the water, we need it for the fire

This week I come to terms with my inner demon, the nine-tailed beast….

As I am sure all of you know I use to work at a Smoothie King.   It was a shitty job.  I had to stand on my feet all day.  My boss would randomly drive by and look at us from his car to make sure we weren't sitting down and resting.  It was a thankless job with very low pay.  The store I worked at was in the richest neighborhood in Houston.  Local star athletes would frequent the store and so would rich douchebags.  As there was a local private school a block away I would get treated at 4 o'clock and I would have to make smoothies for 16 year-olds with nicer cars than I would ever own in my life.  Hell at the time I worked there I didn't even have a car.  My grandmother would have to drop me off and my mother would pick me up.  Even though I hated working there I do look back at the time fondly.  I worked with a really cool girl named Crystal and our morning shifts together we pretty fun.  Her departure was really what made me look for other employment and that's how I landed at the Alley Theatre.

While Smoothie King means still means a lot to me in reality my time there didn't mean shit to anyone but me.  I ventured to Smoothie King after work today to see how the old place looked.  There were some changes but the places that meant anything to me were exactly the same.  The prices were a dollar more on every smoothie and no one I know still works there.  I made casual conversation with the girl at the register and then I did the worst thing I could have possibly done.  I name dropped the old owner and said I use to work there.  As if this would make me and this stranger at the register best friends.  I have no idea why I did it.  Maybe I was trying to reclaim the memories of the job I fucking hated for 2 and a half years.  Or maybe I didn't want to have to pay five goddamn dollars for a 20 oz. smoothie.  Either way I walked out of that store ashamed and in tears.

I guess what I am really trying to say is at a job NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU AFTER YOU LEAVE.  If you are still clinging to whatever job you use to have, let it go.  You'll just end up looking as stupid as I did and please for the love of God don't mention your last job every 3 min at your current job.  That's worst than writing a blog no one reads or writing a blog entry about Smoothie King.

In Other News...

Gamefly is fucking brilliant. Gamefly is essentially Netflix for videogames. I am a devote gamer. I was baptized in a pool of Nintendo, I drank the blood Sony and I [insert random Christian tradition] of Microsoft. Since receiving my first NES I have had one desire and one desire alone; to waste my life playing video games all the fucking time. Paying for video games is the ONLY reason I have a job. With my recent auto asphyxiation (I’m saying that correctly right? I was in a bad car accident) I have had less money to pay for my bad habit. So I signed up for a Gamefly to keep the urges down. Call it my methadone treatments. Gamefly so far has been great; they have even given me $5 in game dollars to purchase a used game. It’s fucking brilliant. Hook me in with a monthly fee then offer the game at a discounted rate. If I purchase the game for $20 they have my monthly fee, my $20 and they just unloaded an old unpopular game of me because they no longer need that many in stock. As I work in marketing I love it when the company tricks you into spending more money than you ever intended. God Bless this wonderful country.

Picture of the Week

Next Week: I talk about my old job at American General!