This week is a short special edition!
Okay I have come to the conclusion that ESPN is run by the Republican Party and that Karl Rove is writing the scripts for every ESPN program. The GOP has recently taken to the "simplify, rinse, repeat" methods of politics. The GOP has more catchphrases than a dated sitcom. If them Dems want to pull out of Iraq they want to "Cut and Run". The GOP has made it a point to have everyone on their team repeat these words over and over to drive home the point and to make the sheep believe it's as simple as "Cutting and running". I watch ESPN more than any other network on TV and after I lost my free connection to the Spice Channel my ESPN watching has tripled. With watching ESPN 18 hours a day I have learned a few things: Steven A. Smith is still load when the TV is muted; PTI doesn't make fun of Beano Cooke anymore; Tim Cowlishaw is the best person on Around the Horn because he always self promotes when he knows it will cost him the game and when he wins he talks about the two sports everyone else hates on the show; Steven A. Smith has never heard of an indoor voice; Cold Pizza sucks even more after they got rid of the hot chick; Mike and Mike is good, but Two Live Stews is better; No one is reading Weekly Rant; PTI is still the best show on ESPN and Wilbon and TK are the best in the business at what they do; Jason Whitlock had to be fired for what he did, but I love that he had the balls to do it; Michael Smith is the best sportswriter under 40 and needs to be on more shows; Kevin Fraiser never should have left ESPN to do Entertainment Tonight; ESPN never should have let David Aldridge leave; I should have formatted this list better; ESPN is run by Karl Rove and the GOP.
That's right, the world leader is run by the GOP. I know this because ESPN has become "drive home the point" central. If you hear something on Jim Rome in the early afternoon you will hear it no less than 30 times before you hear Steven A. Smith yell it on his shitty talk show. Peyton Manning has been in a lot of commercial recently and ESPN made damn sure I knew Tom Brady was in less. Tom Brady is the everyman QB or so I have been told by ESPN. ESPN seems to have forgotten that after his third Super Bowl win Mr. America was the star of every commercial on TV. Mr. America was the guy everyone spoke about. Times have changed since then. Mr. America with his THREE Super Bowl rings is an afterthought. He lives uner the radar in Boston, one of the smallest media outlets in the world. So when you look at Sportscenter tonight remember to play a violin for Thomas F. Brady. ESPN says he isthe most underappreciated player in the league no less than 10 times during Monday Night Football. I lost count during Sportscenter, then NFL Live, then NFL Primtime, then Mike and Mike in the Morning, then NFL Live again, then Jim Rome is Burning, then Around the Horn, then PTI, and finally on the afternoon edition of Sportscenter.
Fuck Stephen A. Smith!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
God only looks at PBS
This week I make up for the last 2 weeks with a SUPER SIZED EDITION!
I am a huge fan of the current ABC mega hit The Nine. I can honestly say that it is the second best show on television (the first being the Tyra Banks show). After watching 10 seconds I was hooked. The Nine is television at it's finest; it breaks all of the normal rules of television while telling a serious character drama that makes the viewer think had each week. It's this that keep us coming back for more.
You see The Nine is about a group of people after a catastrophe has brought them together and has changed them and their lives forever. These peoples lives are normal and on a normal day while these normal people are at a normal bank it is robbed. This normal robbery takes 52 hours and it is this 52 hours that their lives are changed forever. The series takes place after this robbery and focuses on the survivors and how they deal with their lives after the plane crash. You see the creaters came up with the brilliant idea of only showing the views a small pieces of the robbery each week. These "Flashbacks" each week give us a small factoid about the characters and are relevant to the "Present" presented in the episode. The show features some familiar faces to the small screen playing these normal people who's lives are changed forever. Former Party of Five star Scott Wolf stars as a doctor who was at the robbery and his normal life is changed forever. Former Boston Public Principle Chi McBride plays an African-American father with his child during the robbery. Also a part of the ensemble is former Wings star Tim Daly in his first comedic role.
The show comes on at the after the campy Castaway ripoff Lost and despite the weak lead in I am sure this show will be the next big thing in television. It's large and very talented cast, it's unique character driven story, and former Star Trek star John Billingsley are sure to make this show the biggest hit this fall.
In other news...
I have come under fire recently for my venture into the porn industry. Apparently it is a crime to film midgets having sex in the back of an SUV for 13 hours if you don't provide enough water for the cast and crew. Long story short, the family of Kim Jon Hung's Wrongful Death claim is going to greatly affect my Christmas shopping. That means I won't get to send out the annual Weekly Rant Christmas Bag-o-Lanterns. To make this up to you my loyal readers I am going to give a DVD of The Nine autographed by me to one lucky reader. To win this glorious achievement in television signed by me, the greatest achievement in internet typing, all you have to do is mail $1 to me with your return address on the envelop and I will select a winner at random from the envelopes.
So send your dollars to:
The Kim Jon Hung Memorial Fund
ATTN: Joseph Sterling
615 Texas Avenue
Houston, TX 77002
(This is a real contest. Void where Prohibited. Purchase necessary. Not Valid in Continental United States. U.S. and Canada Only)
Picture of the Week
I am a huge fan of the current ABC mega hit The Nine. I can honestly say that it is the second best show on television (the first being the Tyra Banks show). After watching 10 seconds I was hooked. The Nine is television at it's finest; it breaks all of the normal rules of television while telling a serious character drama that makes the viewer think had each week. It's this that keep us coming back for more.
You see The Nine is about a group of people after a catastrophe has brought them together and has changed them and their lives forever. These peoples lives are normal and on a normal day while these normal people are at a normal bank it is robbed. This normal robbery takes 52 hours and it is this 52 hours that their lives are changed forever. The series takes place after this robbery and focuses on the survivors and how they deal with their lives after the plane crash. You see the creaters came up with the brilliant idea of only showing the views a small pieces of the robbery each week. These "Flashbacks" each week give us a small factoid about the characters and are relevant to the "Present" presented in the episode. The show features some familiar faces to the small screen playing these normal people who's lives are changed forever. Former Party of Five star Scott Wolf stars as a doctor who was at the robbery and his normal life is changed forever. Former Boston Public Principle Chi McBride plays an African-American father with his child during the robbery. Also a part of the ensemble is former Wings star Tim Daly in his first comedic role.
The show comes on at the after the campy Castaway ripoff Lost and despite the weak lead in I am sure this show will be the next big thing in television. It's large and very talented cast, it's unique character driven story, and former Star Trek star John Billingsley are sure to make this show the biggest hit this fall.
In other news...
I have come under fire recently for my venture into the porn industry. Apparently it is a crime to film midgets having sex in the back of an SUV for 13 hours if you don't provide enough water for the cast and crew. Long story short, the family of Kim Jon Hung's Wrongful Death claim is going to greatly affect my Christmas shopping. That means I won't get to send out the annual Weekly Rant Christmas Bag-o-Lanterns. To make this up to you my loyal readers I am going to give a DVD of The Nine autographed by me to one lucky reader. To win this glorious achievement in television signed by me, the greatest achievement in internet typing, all you have to do is mail $1 to me with your return address on the envelop and I will select a winner at random from the envelopes.
So send your dollars to:
The Kim Jon Hung Memorial Fund
ATTN: Joseph Sterling
615 Texas Avenue
Houston, TX 77002
(This is a real contest. Void where Prohibited. Purchase necessary. Not Valid in Continental United States. U.S. and Canada Only)
Picture of the Week
Next Week: I do an expose on the parents of Asian little people and pornography.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The One That REALLY Sucks
Okay This week I have to get something off my chest. This is easily the worst rant I have ever written. I promised two updates a week and I was on pace with it for one week....then week 2 happened. I wrote this rant at work at 11 p.m. First off, I was at work at 11p.m.; this would have lead to someones death when I worked at Smoothie King. Secondly, This was so bad that I decided to I was going to destroy it and rewrite a new one, but I got busy and lazy. REALLY LAZY. You see my failure is our failure. I fail to be funny and you who read fail to have the common sense to not read this. So here is my worst rant ever....
until next weeks
This week will be an old school sexy version of the Rant. Meaning it will be really short and not worth the effort.
The beginnings of a new console generation is appon us and I know many of you trust my gaming knowledge when you purchase games and consoles. I know that whatever system I recommend in the column could very well decide the champion of the next console generation. This much power is not an easy thing to live with and I don't want to destroy another company like I did with Sega and it's Dreamcast. I am going to wait until I have all 3 of the new gen systems before I recommend one, but I am going to take this time to talk about Microsoft and it's consoles.
Microsoft released the Xbox last generation as it's entry into the video gaming industry. It finished second in overall sales to the PS2 and has a strong fanbase of die hard fans who we in the business call idiots. Only 4 years after the release of it's Xbox Microsoft released it's Xbox 360 breaking the unspoken rule between console makes that there must be at least 5 years between new consoles so the fan base doesn't get fucked in the ass by a new console every year or every other year. Microsoft said fuck this rule because they felt getting out their console first would get them on the minds of gamers first and would lead to them winning the console race. Sony's PS2 won the last generation and it's being the first console on the market was one of the reasons people said it won. Well Sony didn't release it only 4 goddamn years after the ps1; and ps1 had clearly been the most popular of it's generation. Microsoft didn't give a shit about rules they released the 360 and have so far sold about 5 million units.
I know you don't come here for a history lesson and the reason I said all that was to say this....FUCK XBOX! I have said this before in an older rant after Xbox games were being rereleased because the originals that I purchased were "unfinished" Ninja Gaiden: Black and Fables: The Lost Chapters were games that said "FUCK YOU" to people who paid for the original versions. Well recently I went to play my Xbox and it didn't start. I tried to move it to a new outlet in my house and still nothing. I own a goddamn xbox for 2 years and then it dies on me. I had to sell all my games and accessories for it because all the game data on my games are saved in the internal hard drive in the Xbox. If I buy a new Xbox I still have none of the data from the games I worked so goddamn hard to beat. If the 360 is anything like the original Xbox you are fucked a year from now.
FUCK BILL GATES AND ALL THE MONEY HE GIVES TO DYING PEOPLE HE SHOULD GIVE ME THE $500+ I HAVE SPENT ON HIS SHITTY CONSOLE AND IT'S SHITTY GAMES.
In other news...
Recently I have gotten a lot of hate mail about something I said in a previous rant. I would just like to say that I am sorry and that I had no idea that Ben Savage was still alive or that he had internet access. I like many talent scouts assumed he was as dead as his career. I am deeply sorry I ever mentioned his hit 90's sitcom in any way.
Talking Points
until next weeks
This week will be an old school sexy version of the Rant. Meaning it will be really short and not worth the effort.
The beginnings of a new console generation is appon us and I know many of you trust my gaming knowledge when you purchase games and consoles. I know that whatever system I recommend in the column could very well decide the champion of the next console generation. This much power is not an easy thing to live with and I don't want to destroy another company like I did with Sega and it's Dreamcast. I am going to wait until I have all 3 of the new gen systems before I recommend one, but I am going to take this time to talk about Microsoft and it's consoles.
Microsoft released the Xbox last generation as it's entry into the video gaming industry. It finished second in overall sales to the PS2 and has a strong fanbase of die hard fans who we in the business call idiots. Only 4 years after the release of it's Xbox Microsoft released it's Xbox 360 breaking the unspoken rule between console makes that there must be at least 5 years between new consoles so the fan base doesn't get fucked in the ass by a new console every year or every other year. Microsoft said fuck this rule because they felt getting out their console first would get them on the minds of gamers first and would lead to them winning the console race. Sony's PS2 won the last generation and it's being the first console on the market was one of the reasons people said it won. Well Sony didn't release it only 4 goddamn years after the ps1; and ps1 had clearly been the most popular of it's generation. Microsoft didn't give a shit about rules they released the 360 and have so far sold about 5 million units.
I know you don't come here for a history lesson and the reason I said all that was to say this....FUCK XBOX! I have said this before in an older rant after Xbox games were being rereleased because the originals that I purchased were "unfinished" Ninja Gaiden: Black and Fables: The Lost Chapters were games that said "FUCK YOU" to people who paid for the original versions. Well recently I went to play my Xbox and it didn't start. I tried to move it to a new outlet in my house and still nothing. I own a goddamn xbox for 2 years and then it dies on me. I had to sell all my games and accessories for it because all the game data on my games are saved in the internal hard drive in the Xbox. If I buy a new Xbox I still have none of the data from the games I worked so goddamn hard to beat. If the 360 is anything like the original Xbox you are fucked a year from now.
FUCK BILL GATES AND ALL THE MONEY HE GIVES TO DYING PEOPLE HE SHOULD GIVE ME THE $500+ I HAVE SPENT ON HIS SHITTY CONSOLE AND IT'S SHITTY GAMES.
In other news...
Recently I have gotten a lot of hate mail about something I said in a previous rant. I would just like to say that I am sorry and that I had no idea that Ben Savage was still alive or that he had internet access. I like many talent scouts assumed he was as dead as his career. I am deeply sorry I ever mentioned his hit 90's sitcom in any way.
Talking Points
Fuck Xbox.
Picture of the Week
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