Let Me Clear My Throat

Okay, I lied about the big move it looks like. I haven’t had time to design the new website and I write these as they pop up in my brain, and this week I had two thoughts looks like.

Its funny how we can take things for granted. We expect some things to be there for us and they usually aren’t. Life is one long joke and death is the final punch line. I say this because I have been lied to and it hurts. I can’t believe someone could get away with a lie so long. I mean when you know something for so long you come to feel comfortable with it and then you find out that the thing that you have put all your trust in is nothing but a bold faced lie. It’s crippling and it makes me wish the people responsible were dead.

You see there is a radio station in Houston called 93 Q Country. I have seen commercials for it on TV all my life and never listening to country music I took solace in that fact that if I ever wanted to listen to 93 Q it would be there for me. Well as I rode home one night with a friend of the rant we couldn’t find anything to listen to on the radio. And before you give me any shit for listening to the radio I will say that it was because none of my CDs were in the car with me and it was either listen to the radio or talk to my friend…So I couldn’t find anything to listen to on the radio and I pressed the scan button. As the radio scanned through all of the wonder that is Houston radio we still found nothing to listen to. As the radio looped I was then hit with the biggest bombshell of my triumphant life. As the radio went from channel to channel I looked at the screen and saw a curious thing. There was country must playing on 92.9 and it was a crystal clear sound. I assumed that it was the 93Q signal on a number right before the actual station number. There have been times when I was young and poor and all I could listen to was the radio and occasionally a major stations signal would “leak” over to one of the adjourning numbers on the dial, but to my surprise there was no country after 92.9. 93 Q Country is actually 92.9 on the radio dial! I hadn’t felt so lied to since the day I found out that my parents bought me the shitty gifts they blamed on Santa Claus. (Thanks for the Light Bright instead of the He-Man Castle and who the fuck would ever want an Etchesketch.

I will not stand for this injustice of estimation. You can’t “round up” your station number for a catchier name. Its bad enough they only play country music, now they need to lie about who they are. I haven’t seen this much denial since I had my doctor check my left testicle for a tumor. I am now declaring war on 93Q to change its name to 92.9 Q if it doesn’t I will be forced to do nothing about it.

In other news... (Was removed for not being funny. And before you say none of this is funny let me just say FUCK YOU BUDDY!)

Shit You Send Me
Your emails keep me warm inside.

Well funny thing happened on the way to this section….no one emailed me. I guess I should have posted my email or something. joseph.sterling@gmail.com make it happen people.

(I’m still not expecting any emails…)

Picture of the Week

Next Week: We find out if I am full of shit or honey. My money is on honey.

Everything I Kill is Dead

This is the final issue of Weekly Rant that will appear on eblogger. The next issue will have a new home and when it is posted I will have the link to the new site posted here so all of you can update your bookmarks.

It has been a crazy month for you humble correspondent. I have had a birthday, a coma, and a “hopefully” curable STD, but the biggest thing in my lifeis that I am about to venture into cable news. Fox News is one of the most watched channels in the US and I need to get my name and face on a basic cable channel so I can get even more endorsements. (Don’t forget that if you have a flat Dr. Fixit Cans Fixit!) So in order to take over the world a little faster I just hired a new publicist, Michael Richards. Recently Kosmo Kramer has been in the news a lot and had officially declared himself as the greatest publicist ever. Mr. Richards was a has-been TV Star and now he is on News channels more than Nancy “look at my nose” Grace. Hell, he even got Al Sharpton on Larry King! Kramer has shown to me that he has what it takes to get me exposed.

Unless you have been living under a rock or Iraq the past month you have seen Michael Richards standup that was caught on camera where he said some things to a couple of men in the audience who had been “heckling” poor Kosmo. Kramer then went into the funniest bit to ever be seen on stage. It was such a hit that he landed an appearance on Letterman the very next night. I can’t wait for him get his own show on Comedy Central; it will be called “Uncle Kramer’s Kitchen”. It will be a faux cooking show where he gets his buddies in comedy like Jerry Seinfeld, the white hared guy who has been milking his guest stint on Seinfeld for the past decade and maybe that Soup Nazi guy to stop by and cook with him. The Kitchen will only be the setting between laugh heavy skits about current events and that pure craziness the Kosmo name brings to comedy. I can see it now being packaged with Mind of Mencia as the hardest hitting hour of comedy. Never before has there been a comedian like Mencia who told it like it was and said what he thought about different races. Now with Kramer in his own hard hitting sketch comedy show Comedy Central has something to compete with UPN’s Monday nights! Don’t forget Seinfeld Season 7 is out now on DVD!

In other news…

“Life sucks and then you die” the motto of my life. Recently there has been more suck then ever, and I am getting even sicker of it. Usually something shitty happens to me and I bitch about it here. I am no longer content with complaining about the shittiness of my great and wonderful existence, I am going to do something about it. I am going to finally take the next step in my life. I am going to take the step that will make my life worth living and hopefully change my life’s motto. I am going move Weekly Rant from Eblogger to its own site. I am sure that you my loyal readers have seen the horrible spelling, grammar, and formatting errors that have been present in the new issues of “Weekly Rant”. All of these errors are the fault of Eblogger and its overall shittiness. Yes, that is the second time I have said shittiness and yes that was the third. That is how shitty eblogger is. I try to make this the best experience on the internet for my readers and dawg gonnit im tryin. This is a new beginning for “Weekly Rant.” (If you have been keeping count, this is number 4). Be ready for a full website devoted to me and an archive of every rant I have ever written. It will be a glorious site and you will visit it and love me for making it. Also it will have free porn. Tell your friends.


Talking Points

Did you know that one in every five people will die without ever reading something I have written? Yes, I am not kidding. I have read the research and the studies. There are people who do not read things that I have written and it frightens me. To bring in more reader I am going to needlessly sell out and add a new feature to the Rant. I will now feature a user email section where I read and answer you’re emails. I will pick one a week and answer the question in a thoughtful and respectful way. I had fazed out Talking Points recently because I had nothing new to add to it because my job no longer sucks, and I am afraid of the people at it looking over my shoulder and reading what I am typing right now. So in it’s place will be this BRANK SPANKING NEW section….

The Shit You Send Me
Your emails keep me up at night…

Jeremy in Iraq writes:

hey joe- i just wanted to tell you happy b-day man. even though i am not there to hang ut with you guys i still think about yall. take care and have a good one. the arabian in the desert Jeremy

Well Jeremy first and foremost thank you for the warm words, I’ll be glad when you get back from spreading God’s will in Iraq. Godspeed…

Picture of the week

Next week I am going to make captain for sure!

"I'll dance for yah Mista Charlie!"

*Note: e blogger fucking blows. It makes things bold when I don't want it to and no matter how many edits I do it wont fix. So expect the rant to find a new home soon, because I am sick of e bloggers bullshit. And now the issue...

This week I talk about sports again, but don't worry next week it'll be about porn again.

July 2006 was a horrible month. There were no issues of Weekly Rant and Harold Reynolds was fired from ESPN. One night Harold was the best in the business and the next he was wondering what happened to his career. On July 26, 2006 Harold Reynolds was fired from ESPN and no reason was given to the press or the Harold. Harold Reynolds was fired form ESPN because he was accused of sexual harassment. When news got out that Harold had been let go from ESPN his fans wondered why. It was almost a month later that "The World Leader" released the news of the allegation of sexual harassment. Harold was then replaced by Steve Phillips, former GM of the Mets.

In 2003 ESPN hired Michael Irvin to be a co-anchor on for its NFL pregame programs. Two years into his career with ESPN on November 25th, 2005 Irvin was pulled over and arrested for having drug paraphernalia. Irvin was suspended for two days and returned to his job. Mr. Reynolds was fired after an ACCUSATION of harassment. Steve Phillips the man who replaced Harold resigned as GM of the Mets in 2003 after an accusation of sexual harassment. If Harold is guilty of what he is accused of then It is fine that ESPN released him of his duties, but to do so with only an accusation is stupid. Reynolds had signed a new contract with the network in March and to fire him mere months later is idiotic. Michael Irvin just as recently as last week had to apologize for racially insensitive remarks he made on ESPN radio. ESPN didn't even care to suspend him this time.

So why does Michael Irvin get to keep his job and Harold lose his?

Street Cred.

Mr. Irvin is a loud mouthed idiot. He has shown that he needs Tom Jackson and Steve Young with him at all times, so he won't say stupid shit on his own. If you ever look at Mr. Irvin on TV you have to watch look away when his smarter colleges try to speak and Irvin cuts them off to tell a funny story about "Mr. Me" Terrell Owens. Harold was smart and articulate. His breakdown of plays were the best in the business. Harold made me understand baseball as a player on the field would without making me feel or look like an idiot. When Mr. Irvin does this he only makes himself look like an idiot.

I guess what I am saying is FUCK MICHAEL IRVIN. BRING BACK HAROLD!

In other news...

Okay so I know what you are saying to yourself. What the fuck happened to the November updates? I am sorry, but it was a tough month for me. I had personal business to attend too. You see something major happened in the month of November. The McRib was back!

You see I have never had a McRib in my life and each year I must fight the onslaught that is McDonald's advertising. It's getting harder and harder each year because with each day my will to live weakens. I had no choice this year, but to lock myself away for the month until the McRib was gone.   I locked myself in my room alone with only a VHS of porn, a roll of paper towels, and what was left of my dignity. When the month of November was done two of those things were gone forever. So as I put my Best of the Spice Channel: Anal VHS away I knew I had, but one thing left to do in life. I tried the Jalapeno Burger at Wendy's and it made me sick because it wasn't cooked all the way. (yet I ate all of it...)

FUCK WENDY'S!

Talking Points

We must stop Google now while we still have a chance. Google is taking over the internet and they are not keeping it secret. When I signed into this here blog I had to register my account to configure with my Gmail account. Eblogger is now run by Google. When I go to Myspace at the to corner it say Powered by Goggle. Youtube is now owned by Google. None of that matters though. Recently Mozilla has updated the Firefox browser to include a spell check feature similar to Microsoft Word. When I make a typo it has a red line under it like in work and I have the option to right click the word and choose the correct spelling from a list. I learned that Google officially owns the internet and the free world tonight. When I type in google I get a red line; Google with a capitol G is the only proper way to spell google according to Firefox. Google already has control we must follow it or die.

Picture of the Week

The World Leader

This week is a short special edition!

Okay I have come to the conclusion that ESPN is run by the Republican Party and that Karl Rove is writing the scripts for every ESPN program. The GOP has recently taken to the "simplify, rinse, repeat" methods of politics. The GOP has more catchphrases than a dated sitcom. If them Dems want to pull out of Iraq they want to "Cut and Run". The GOP has made it a point to have everyone on their team repeat these words over and over to drive home the point and to make the sheep believe it's as simple as "Cutting and running". I watch ESPN more than any other network on TV and after I lost my free connection to the Spice Channel my ESPN watching has tripled. With watching ESPN 18 hours a day I have learned a few things: Steven A. Smith is still load when the TV is muted; PTI doesn't make fun of Beano Cooke anymore; Tim Cowlishaw is the best person on Around the Horn because he always self promotes when he knows it will cost him the game and when he wins he talks about the two sports everyone else hates on the show; Steven A. Smith has never heard of an indoor voice; Cold Pizza sucks even more after they got rid of the hot chick; Mike and Mike is good, but Two Live Stews is better; No one is reading Weekly Rant; PTI is still the best show on ESPN and Wilbon and TK are the best in the business at what they do; Jason Whitlock had to be fired for what he did, but I love that he had the balls to do it; Michael Smith is the best sportswriter under 40 and needs to be on more shows; Kevin Fraiser never should have left ESPN to do Entertainment Tonight; ESPN never should have let David Aldridge leave; I should have formatted this list better; ESPN is run by Karl Rove and the GOP.

That's right, the world leader is run by the GOP. I know this because ESPN has become "drive home the point" central. If you hear something on Jim Rome in the early afternoon you will hear it no less than 30 times before you hear Steven A. Smith yell it on his shitty talk show. Peyton Manning has been in a lot of commercial recently and ESPN made damn sure I knew Tom Brady was in less. Tom Brady is the everyman QB or so I have been told by ESPN. ESPN seems to have forgotten that after his third Super Bowl win Mr. America was the star of every commercial on TV. Mr. America was the guy everyone spoke about. Times have changed since then. Mr. America with his THREE Super Bowl rings is an afterthought. He lives uner the radar in Boston, one of the smallest media outlets in the world. So when you look at Sportscenter tonight remember to play a violin for Thomas F. Brady. ESPN says he isthe most underappreciated player in the league no less than 10 times during Monday Night Football. I lost count during Sportscenter, then NFL Live, then NFL Primtime, then Mike and Mike in the Morning, then NFL Live again, then Jim Rome is Burning, then Around the Horn, then PTI, and finally on the afternoon edition of Sportscenter.

Fuck Stephen A. Smith!

God only looks at PBS

This week I make up for the last 2 weeks with a SUPER SIZED EDITION!

I am a huge fan of the current ABC mega hit The Nine. I can honestly say that it is the second best show on television (the first being the Tyra Banks show). After watching 10 seconds I was hooked. The Nine is television at it's finest; it breaks all of the normal rules of television while telling a serious character drama that makes the viewer think had each week. It's this that keep us coming back for more.

You see The Nine is about a group of people after a catastrophe has brought them together and has changed them and their lives forever. These peoples lives are normal and on a normal day while these normal people are at a normal bank it is robbed. This normal robbery takes 52 hours and it is this 52 hours that their lives are changed forever. The series takes place after this robbery and focuses on the survivors and how they deal with their lives after the plane crash. You see the creaters came up with the brilliant idea of only showing the views a small pieces of the robbery each week. These "Flashbacks" each week give us a small factoid about the characters and are relevant to the "Present" presented in the episode. The show features some familiar faces to the small screen playing these normal people who's lives are changed forever. Former Party of Five star Scott Wolf stars as a doctor who was at the robbery and his normal life is changed forever. Former Boston Public Principle Chi McBride plays an African-American father with his child during the robbery. Also a part of the ensemble is former Wings star Tim Daly in his first comedic role.

The show comes on at the after the campy Castaway ripoff Lost and despite the weak lead in I am sure this show will be the next big thing in television. It's large and very talented cast, it's unique character driven story, and former Star Trek star John Billingsley are sure to make this show the biggest hit this fall.


In other news...

I have come under fire recently for my venture into the porn industry. Apparently it is a crime to film midgets having sex in the back of an SUV for 13 hours if you don't provide enough water for the cast and crew. Long story short, the family of Kim Jon Hung's Wrongful Death claim is going to greatly affect my Christmas shopping. That means I won't get to send out the annual Weekly Rant Christmas Bag-o-Lanterns. To make this up to you my loyal readers I am going to give a DVD of The Nine autographed by me to one lucky reader. To win this glorious achievement in television signed by me, the greatest achievement in internet typing, all you have to do is mail $1 to me with your return address on the envelop and I will select a winner at random from the envelopes.

So send your dollars to:

The Kim Jon Hung Memorial Fund
ATTN: Joseph Sterling
615 Texas Avenue
Houston, TX 77002

(This is a real contest. Void where Prohibited. Purchase necessary. Not Valid in Continental United States. U.S. and Canada Only)

Picture of the Week

Next Week: I do an expose on the parents of Asian little people and pornography.

The One That REALLY Sucks

Okay This week I have to get something off my chest. This is easily the worst rant I have ever written. I promised two updates a week and I was on pace with it for one week....then week 2 happened. I wrote this rant at work at 11 p.m. First off, I was at work at 11p.m.; this would have lead to someones death when I worked at Smoothie King. Secondly, This was so bad that I decided to I was going to destroy it and rewrite a new one, but I got busy and lazy. REALLY LAZY. You see my failure is our failure. I fail to be funny and you who read fail to have the common sense to not read this. So here is my worst rant ever....

until next weeks


This week will be an old school sexy version of the Rant. Meaning it will be really short and not worth the effort.

The beginnings of a new console generation is appon us and I know many of you trust my gaming knowledge when you purchase games and consoles. I know that whatever system I recommend in the column could very well decide the champion of the next console generation. This much power is not an easy thing to live with and I don't want to destroy another company like I did with Sega and it's Dreamcast. I am going to wait until I have all 3 of the new gen systems before I recommend one, but I am going to take this time to talk about Microsoft and it's consoles.

Microsoft released the Xbox last generation as it's entry into the video gaming industry. It finished second in overall sales to the PS2 and has a strong fanbase of die hard fans who we in the business call idiots. Only 4 years after the release of it's Xbox Microsoft released it's Xbox 360 breaking the unspoken rule between console makes that there must be at least 5 years between new consoles so the fan base doesn't get fucked in the ass by a new console every year or every other year. Microsoft said fuck this rule because they felt getting out their console first would get them on the minds of gamers first and would lead to them winning the console race. Sony's PS2 won the last generation and it's being the first console on the market was one of the reasons people said it won. Well Sony didn't release it only 4 goddamn years after the ps1; and ps1 had clearly been the most popular of it's generation. Microsoft didn't give a shit about rules they released the 360 and have so far sold about 5 million units.

I know you don't come here for a history lesson and the reason I said all that was to say this....FUCK XBOX! I have said this before in an older rant after Xbox games were being rereleased because the originals that I purchased were "unfinished" Ninja Gaiden: Black and Fables: The Lost Chapters were games that said "FUCK YOU" to people who paid for the original versions. Well recently I went to play my Xbox and it didn't start. I tried to move it to a new outlet in my house and still nothing. I own a goddamn xbox for 2 years and then it dies on me. I had to sell all my games and accessories for it because all the game data on my games are saved in the internal hard drive in the Xbox. If I buy a new Xbox I still have none of the data from the games I worked so goddamn hard to beat. If the 360 is anything like the original Xbox you are fucked a year from now.

FUCK BILL GATES AND ALL THE MONEY HE GIVES TO DYING PEOPLE HE SHOULD GIVE ME THE $500+ I HAVE SPENT ON HIS SHITTY CONSOLE AND IT'S SHITTY GAMES.

In other news...

Recently I have gotten a lot of hate mail about something I said in a previous rant. I would just like to say that I am sorry and that I had no idea that Ben Savage was still alive or that he had internet access. I like many talent scouts assumed he was as dead as his career. I am deeply sorry I ever mentioned his hit 90's sitcom in any way.

Talking Points

Fuck Xbox.

Picture of the Week

The One About an Idea

Okay so let me get this out of the way now. YES! This is the second issue this week, and I plan to make this a twice a week thing now. Adjust your calendars accordingly.

Okay so I just had maybe the best idea you have ever heard. Are you ready?

Hobbit Porn.

Shit yes I said Hobbit Porn. People think pornography exploits the women in the films, but in reality it exploits the men who purchase these films alone at 3 am. I mean sure the girl behind the counter is moderately attractive, but you clearly have no chance with her. SHE IS SELLING YOU PORN! She knows what you are about to do, or what you just did in that room with the light in the back of the store. She likes to look at you with her judging eyes, judging you, but even she knows that porn is a big business. Porn is the reason Beta Max lost to VHS and soon it will decide if Blu Ray or HD-DVD will be the new standard format. Because who the hell wants a DVD player that can’t play porn? Hobbit Porn is my ticket into the biz; it will make me a major player in the lucrative pornography game. Mel Gibson alone made half a billion in 2004. AND THAT WAS FROM JUST ONE MOVIE! Hobbit porn has mega hit written in semen all over it.

You see Hobbit Porn is porn involving the lovable little guys created by Peter Jackson in his award winning miniseries “The Lord of the Rings”. Hobbits are short lovable creatures that love rings, food, mischief and marijuana. These characters are so damn likable that I would imagine they are pretty hot while having sex. It is that hotness that I plan to film in the back of my SUV and give to the world. As I said early this week I plan to get more involved with gay porn ( wow that sounded gay), and at its heart Hobbit Porn is two very small men having sex with each other and maybe some type of large bird. So be ready, soon my new Hobbit porn will be the next big thing.

Be ready for “Share the Load”

In other news...

As I write this Boy Meets World is on the Disney Channel. I use to enjoy this show when I was the same age as Corey. When he went to High School I went to Middle School. When he went to College I went to High School. It was these college years that I stopped liking Boy Meets World. Corey Mathews turned into the biggest douche on ABC; and this was when Michael Eisner was still around. IF SHAWN DOESN’T WANT TO READ HIS POEMS IN PUBLIC RESPECT THAT YOU WHINEY BITCH! Also what the fuck was up with Mr. Feenie working at the college they went to after working at the high school they went to after working at the elementary school they went to. Smells like a pedophile that can't move on to me.

Talking Points

ESPN fired Jason Whitlock this week and I am very sad. Jason Whitlock is one of the few people who worked for the world leader that wasn’t afraid to talk shit about it. Tony Kornheiser does it a lot, but he is untouchable. Jason criticized Scoop Jackson and Mike Lupica in a recent interview and this lead to his termination from the network and it’s web site. I have been a fan of Jason for around 4 years now and like him I miss when Hunter S. Thompson and Ralph Wiley wrote for ESPN.com’s “Page 2”. Both these men are no longer with the living world and with Jason gone “Page 2” isn’t the same site I originally fell in love with. Thankfully I still have Bill Simmons.

Picture of the Week

The Return of Something No One Missed

This week we remember when Joe use to be funny.

Okay, let me start of by answering the question that is on both of your minds. YES, I am drunk and YES I did leave you hanging without the gem for a good while. Let me just say that I am sorry I had to get drunk to bring back the Rant. I'm going to try to do this different from the last two incarnations. Firstly, I am going to try and do this one a week. In the 4 years I have been doing this it has never been weekly and irony be damned this version will be. Secondly, this will be the first version outside of a BCP site. While this is still a Battle Circus Production (www.battlecircus.net); there is no real "BCP" website for original content. We have found our voice as the greatest forum known to God (www.battlecircus.net/phpBB2) and that's the main BCP attraction.

So I am going to bring back "Shabadu the Weekly Rant" on this here blog. Personally I think that this is my biggest sellout to date. I mean a fucking blog?! Even my diabetic one legged uncle has one of these. He also has a drinking problem and a thing for 11 year-olds, but the 11 year old fetish isn't genetic apparently (She told me she was 14. I mean who am I to call someone a liar, I told her I was 16). This blog is the best way I can think of for me to keep writing Weekly Rant and for no one to ever read it.

So this is a new beginning for "Weekly Rant", but a lot of the same old crap. Jokes at my own expense and jokes about raping teenage girls are sure to keep you satisfied. Not to mention all the gay porn I'm gonna post, if pop culture has taught me anything it's that gay guys love gay porn. I need to reach out to every demographic so I can get fancy endorsements.

In other news...

Gay people can't get married. Am I the only person who things that this is the greatest thing ever? Apparently not everyone agrees with me and they think that Gay's should have the same rights as every American. Even powerful celeb couples are saying they won't tie the not until homosexuals are allowed too. Fuck them and fuck gay marriage.

Recently I have been getting a lot of email about my thoughts on the War in Iraq. Before the war I said I was for going in and taking oil and that I hope we keep our army there for at least 10 years to teach the rest of that region a lesson. It appears that the rest of the region isn't listening to our bullets. Iran has only gotten stronger and for some reason some guy in Veneswayla (I think that's how you spell it, I'm not in the business of spelling the names of countries not named U.S.A.) is calling our president the Devil. What this means is that we had to invade the Middle East to prove our point to South America. This has to be the biggest fuck up in US history. WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT SOUTH AMERICA?! I mean it's fucking badass to be called the devil, but by people in South America? This war was a huge mistake. Vinesswayla only gives us 10% of our oil and who gets gas at Citgo anyway?

Talking Points

So I am getting shitty hours at the Alley. And by shitty I mean that I work 2 days a week; and it's been like this for the past month. I got my friend's Javier and James a job there and on the days I work with them I have a great time. Javier is the same asshole who got me a job at Smoothie King and quit the same month. I get my revenge on him by giving him the best job he could ever have and he repays me showing up to work every day and on time. JESUS CHRIST I HATE HIM. If I hadn't got him the job at the Alley there would be more hours for me to work. In honor of how much I hate him this section will no longer be about my job or my hate for Javier Ramos. When I figure out what will become of Talking Points I'll be the first to know.

Picture of the Week