Last year in an attempt to write more I started doing movie reviews. The plan was to write 52 reviews each one a "Chick Flick". I published a Ruthian total of three groin-grabbingly good reviews and until finally laziness won out. After a year and a half break I am finally ready to write the next installment of Joe's Chick Flix. The gem I watched this week was the touching tale of boy meets whore and ugly friend, The Hottie and the Nottie.This issue is very different than the previous installments as I did not watch all of the movie. The parts I did watch were never on the same day and never for more than 15 minutes.
The Hottie and the Nottie was a movie I thought went direct-to-DVD, but in actuality it was a genuine box office bomb. It made even less money than Mallrats did on its opening weekend. The film (not sure if thats what it should be referred as) stars Joel Long as, Some guy who's name I never got. You see Some guy who's name I never got falls in love in elementary school with Paris Hilton. He is now in his early thirties and is still in love with Paris even though he hasn't seen her since elementary school. After stalking her Some guy who's name I never got convinces Paris to go out with him. There is one problem, she has a horribly disgusting looking best friend and to win Paris Hilton's heart he must find a boyfriend for her ugly BFF. The ugly bitch is played by the girl who played Al on Step by Step. And do they make her ugly. She has a huge mole (GROSS!), she has bad teeth (OMG DOUBLE GROSS), she doesn't comb her hair (ICKY!) and she hangs out with Paris Hilton! I'm not certain, but she may or may not have worn glasses. It seems Some guy who's name I never got has his work cut out for him. With Heath Ledger having died I am going to assume this movie wasn't 10 Things I Hate About You, but I will assume the movie stole parts from it. I did not see the middle of the movie, but I can imagine what happens. Al gets a makeover and Some guy who's name I never got realizes he loves her and not Paris Hilton. It is after this happed that I started watching the movie again on TV. Apparently Al hooks up with a douchebag with a nice house and big muscles who is only dating Al from Step by Step so he can have sex with her. I was appalled. What kind of man would buy a house and work out regularly to trick women into having sex with him? Motherfucker. Some guy who's name I never got gets into a fight with this well meaning fellow and this pisses Al from Step by Step off. Al leaves the party I assume with Mr. Movie Douche and Some guy who's name I never got goes to bed with Paris Hilton. After finally looking at Paris Hilton's face and realizing that he was about to have sex with Paris fucking Hilton, Some guy who's name I never got runs to Mr. Movie Douche's house to stop Al from finally getting laid. Only she isn't there! Just like in real life the girl who was ignored all her life and was finally about to have sex she decided not to because it wasn't right. And sex is icky anyways. Some guy who's name I never got runs to the beach and they make out. End film.
I only watched 30-45 minutes and it's the worst movie I have ever reviewed. I have no doubt that the people who made this movie were kicked out of Hollywood or made to work for the Weinstein Company now. The movie did have one saving grace, it ended.
Better than How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days: NO
Picture of the Week
Next week: I promise I'll write more than 700 words...
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